I know of no trait in the human character, more desirable than gratitude. Therefore, no favour received from God or man, should be forgotten. A favor received by one man from another, however inimical he may become afterwards, should have credit so far as the favor goes. True gratitude will rarely think that its debts are all paid even to men; and surely to God, from whom we receive so many daily unmerited blessings, how can our gratitude lay dormant? One of the greatest blessings we receive from the Lord, is the pardon of our sins. Hence, says David, Psalm 32d, 1st and 2d verses, blessed is he whose iniquities are forgiven, and whose sins are covered -- so covered by the righteousness of another, that sin is no longer imputed. Paul in citing the same scripture, Rom. 4th chap. says, blessed is the man to whom the Lord imputeth righteousness without works. Therefore those mercies are unmerited. He who has received such favor, in his gratitude, should break silence with David in 66th Psalm. Come all ye that fear God, and I will tell you what he hath done for my soul, as also speak of the glory of his kingdom, and talk of his power. Paul's conversion was related three times -- first by the historian, 9th chapter of Acts, and then by himself, when Lucius, the chief captain bound him with two chains, Acts 21st chapter. He also relates his conversion before king Agrippa and Festus, the Roman governor, Acts 26th chapter. Moses tells the Hebrews
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to remember their coming out of Egypt and all the way the Lord had led them; and as with the heart, men believe to righteousness, so with the tongue confession is made unto salvation. And as I am now well stricken in years, and have professed hope in Christ, and been endeavoring to follow him for near half a century, I think it not amiss, to relate some of my trials through this long travel, if it is only for the benefit of my posterity that shall come after me, as also perhaps some poor lamb of Christ may be encouraged thereby.The place of my nativity was Farquier county, Virginia; and in the year of our Lord 1752, I was born. Through the intemperate use of spirits, and what is generally connected with that kind of vice, my poor father had so far consumed his living, that hard labour was my inevitable lot in my raising. My father had moved to Frederic county, back of the Blue Ridge on the Shenandoah river, where Mr. William Marshall came preaching the Gospel of the Kingdom. At one of his meetings I became alarmed, as noted in his biography. I was then about seventeen years old, and went to that meeting with the same view, that I would have gone to a frolic; for I had heard of the great effect that was among the people under preaching, (for he was a son of thunder indeed) I went to the meeting with no more concern about my soul, than the horse I rode on. About mid way of his preaching, [for I had not noticed a word he said before,] the word pierced my soul as quick and with as much sensibility as an electric shock. In a moment my mind was opened to see and feel the truth of all he said. I felt as if then at the bar of God, and as if condemnation was pronounced against me. It may look strange; but I instantly loved the very truth that condemned me, and instrument that brought it, Mr. Marshall. I had never felt such an attachment to any human being before, and the whole of a quite new quality. That knowledge I had of sin for
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a considerable time, was only what belonged to its practical part. From that time I felt a particularly tender affection for all I could think were religious, though it might be an old African negro, and had the world been mine, I would have given all to have been like one of them, though with it a slave for my life. Some things spoken of by Paul are as incredible as this. He often calls God to witness the truth of them. There is another thing as to myself which is strange. With all this desire, perhaps for twelve months, I lived in all the practical vice and folly that I had ever followed before; but with far other feelings, as to the guilt of my actions than formerly. There were several reasons for this train of vicious living: As first, the attaining of true religion seemed so perfectly out of my reach, and so great a thing, that it never could be mine; and this heavy doubt sunk me into dark despondency. Perhaps I never attempted to put up a prayer to God of any kind, for six months together, and as I was to be lost at last I had better try to enjoy myself, or at least please my companions the best way I could; and though perhaps I much pleaspd them, yet, God help me, sin was a bitter cup to me, though I practised it for fear they would laugh at me, for being sanctimonious. So I continued for many days. I seldom heard preaching, and as seldom was in company with religious people; for all the connections I had in the world, held the New Lights, as they were called, in the utmost contempt; but this early conviction gradually took deeper root, and sin grew more hateful, so that often when I would be practising it, my guilt would become so heavy on my soul, I would be ready to roar out aloud, and to prevent my comrades from seeing the effect that was upon me, would abruptly leave the company and get by myself to bemoan my miserable case. By this kind of compulsion, I forsook my companions, betook myself much to reading the scriptures; but when I would think of prayer to God, it looked to me both
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awful and dangerous -- awful for a sinner to approach an infinitely holy God, and great danger of offening God, more than to omit the duty. Thus I worried on, I think a whole summer season. I began to reflect that I had forsaken all my old comrades, and with them all my external vices and read the scriptures a great deal; I foolishly began to conclude that I was much better than I was before, and that I might now begin to pray; for I was now good enough for the Lord to be pleased with my good prayers, and became abundantly pleased that I should get to heaven as well as the noisy Baptists, and make no fuss about it. I now seldom went to hear preaching, even when I had an opportunity; for the truth was, I thought myself as good as any of them. So I had cured all my former sores and was safe without a Jesus Christ. I had been my own physician, and was safe and sound. Thanks and gratitude to the good Lord, he did not suffer me to continue there. Joseph and Isaac Reding, as noted in their biography, lived neighbors to my father. Immediately after their conversion, they began to preach with great zeal through the neighborhood; the purport of which was, ye must be born again, or be damned, or never enter into the kingdom of God. I have perhaps more than once said, that under the preaching of the Redings, the poor rags of my own righteousness took fire and soon burnt me to death; for till now, in reading the law of Moses, I only understood its external demands; but by the removal of the veil of my heart, I discovered the sin of my nature; and that law which required truth and holiness in the inward parts, condemned me for the sin of my heart. The light and goodness I had thought of before, was blown out as with a puff and I was left as a perfect blank of darkness, from which dreadful darkness, all manner of evil was constantly flowing, and with a torrent which it was impossible for me to stop. Amendment was now out of the question; for every
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thing I could do was like the filthy fountain from whence it came. Every spring of my soul was now an unclean thing and my best efforts as filthy rags; and my prayers, on which I had much relied, appeared abhorrent both to God and myself. My practical sins that had been numerous, and many of them of a magnitude that to this day I can never forgive myself, were in a manner removed out of sight, by the late arrival of this mjghty host of hell-bred corruptions that seemed to swarm through my whole Soul. Should you ask, reader, what these corruptions lay in, I could on1y state their outlines, as spiritual ignorance -- unlawful desires -- hardness of heart, and above all, unhelief; and each of these generating their thousands -- and my inability such, that I could not master any one of those thousands. My first thoughts under this new discovery were, that my day of grace was past; for this doctrine was much talked of in those days; that time had been that I might have been saved, but having past [passed] my day of grace, it was now too late, and that I was given up of God, to a hard heart and reprobate mind, all of which marks, I evidently found in myself. Under these embarrassments I laboured for many months; I ate no pleasant food nor enjoyed one night's rest. My father's family took the alarm that I had gone beside myself, and to tell the truth I was driven to my wit's end, believing that I was as sure to be lost, as if I was then in hell. I was often on my knees, day and night, crying for mercy, if it could possibly be obtained. At length a new thought struck me, that was more distressing than all before, which was that I never had a day of grace; that as Esau, God hated me before I was born; and though some quarrel with God about election, it had a very different effect on me. I shall never forget where I was when this thought struck me. I was chopping fire-wood in the lap of a tree, and a deep snow on the ground, more than fifty years ago. Under this thought
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I was strickren with a tremor something like Belshazer when the hand writing was on the wall, while the axe dropped from my hands. I fell on my knees with trembling awe, not to ask for mercy, but to acknowledge God's justice in my condemnation. For about one month after this, I cannot describe the great variety of agonising and vexatious thoughts that attended me. I do not recollect for that space of time, that I wittingly asked once for mercy, though I was often on my knees both day and night. The purport of my addresses to God, were an acknowledgment of the justness of my doom. O, said I often to myself, that I was ever born, or that I was not some other creature than a man. I really felt as if I had no friend in heaven or earth; but as wretched Cain, driven from God's presence with a mark fixed on him, so felt I. Often did I think I had better be in hell than alive here; for life was only prolonged to aggravate hell to myself hereafter. The scriptures say, that it is impossible for God to lie or change; I therefore thought my salvation impossible; for that it would counteract God's arrangement concerning mine, was then my belief. No spasm could more affect the body than these awful thoughts, alternately affected my soul about this time; till at length my conclusion was brought up to a point, that no man ever saw and felt what I did, till just before God cut them off and sent them to hell, and that destruction was at the very door, and that I should die soon; and my impressions were, this night thy soul shall be required of thee. It was then near sunset. A lonesome mountain, where nobody lived, was in full view of my father's, and about two miles distant. There I intended to roam the balance of my wretched life, expecting never again to see the face of man. In what mode vengeance was to overtake me, whether by the violence of my own hands, or by other means, was best known to him who thus decreed. Such were my impressions that perhaps no criminal ever
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went to execution with more agony of mind, then I left my father's house to go to this fatal mountain. Before I got to the place, and as it began to grow dark in passing under a high, overhanging rock, it occurred to me to fall on my knees and acknowledge what I had often done, the justice of God in this awful sentence. To my knees I went under this high rock, and as I began to whisper something like this: Thy throne, O Most High, shall remain unsullied and unimpeached, when thy wrath is inflicted on me. While thus speaking my thought took a new and pleasing turn, on the subject of salvation, which was that the great grace of Jesus Christ, had extended to cases desperate as mine, as Christ-despisers and Christ-killers who had been saved by this glorious Saviour. The truth was, I saw the fulness of the grace of Christ, and in a way entirely new; but could not call it mine. The effect of that view was, a sweet calm and peace of mind, such as I had never felt before. The mere possibility of salvation was to me like life from the dead; for I had long thought, for reasons given above, that salvation for me was not possible. What I met with at the hanging rock, small as it might appear, was so great to me that I changed my resolution as to dying in the mountain, or continuing there all night. I returned home, as a new man this far -- the style of my prayer was changed; I now began to cry again for mercy, as the great grace in Christ had brought possible salvation to such a wretched sinner as myself. I believe I shall never forget the hanging rock while I live, nor even in heaven.Unbelief soon overtook me again. This unwelcome intruder would force itself on me wherever I went, tempting me to discredit all the realities of religion. I did not hesitate to esteem myself the greatest sinner of human kind; but in unbelief I thought myself far worse than the Devil; for James says, the Devils believe and tremble. But neither
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mercies nor judgment could move me. Yet I continued a beggar for mercy from the encouragement I had received. The scriptures I read night and day, and among other parts I opened on the 9th chap. of John, where the account is given of the man that was born blind. There appeared such a similarity in this man's case and my own, that I read it with great attention. He was born blind literally; I was born so as to spiritual eye-sight. He was literally a beggar; I desired to be so at God's door. He was cast out of the synagogue; I was despised by all my friends on earth on account of religion. His parents, through fear or ill nature, would not stand by him in his extremity; my parents showed a great deal of sorrow and ill will, on account of my late great delusion. As read, my conclusion was, if that man were now on earth, I could have a companion, whereas all the comrades I had on earth and myself had separated, our practices not agreeing together. I also much doubted whether I had any friend in heaven. This man's eyes had been opened by Jesus, and he knew very little more of him; at the hanging rock I had some glimpse of Jesus Christ, but did not know that he was mine. But the Lord found him again and asked him a new question; dost thou believe in the son of God? While I read that question, I began to feel as if I was at the bar of God, and as if Jesus was near, and asked me the question. I paused and tried to believe, but my heart failed; but the next verse expressed the language of my soul. Who is he, Lord, that I might believe on him? and when I read tlie answer; it is he that talketh with thee; though I neither saw nor heard any thing, I began to feel as if the Saviour was talking to me in company with the blind man; and when he answered, Lord, I believe, and he worshipped him -- the very language of my soul was expressed, and if I did not speak out, my heart repeated it over and over; Lord, I believe; Lord, I believe. It is added, and he worshipped him;
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my soul so ran in the same way, that I understood more of Jesus Christ in one moment, than I had learned in all my life before. I considered him as both Lord and Christ, that he was the proper object of worship, and that it was no robbery to think of him as on an equality with the Father. The heavenly peace and joy that I felt for a season, exceeds my expression. But Satan was not far off, and desired to sift me; for I do not know that I ever had a more pleasing and rational religious exercise in my life, than at this time, and yet within ten minutes, I began to call the reality of it in question, indeed strove myself to cast it away; for I soon rose up, laid down the book. and walked hastily away, concluding if it was the Devil deceiving me (which I strongly suspected) I had better be some where else. But wherever I went my heart would keep talking as it had before; Lord, I believe, &c. My lips would say so too, so that with all my strivings by pressing my bosom with my hands, rolling on the ground, biting lips, pulling hair, frowning or groaning, all of which perhaps were used alternately. Yet the same, language of my heart would be, Lord, I believe. This continued perhaps an hour. Had any person been looking at me, by my actions, they would have thought me in the utmost distress, whereas I had never enjoyed such a peace of soul before.You will think, reader, that I am more capable than any other person, to account for this paradoxical religious phrenzy, that had been narrated. In the first place, I was dreadfully afraid of being treated by an unsound conversion, also as a very poor judge about it. Yet I had the whole affair carved out before me; it lay in something like being caught up to the third heaven, a joy immense, so that a man must walk tiptoe that had it. What I now felt was only peace and rest of mind, and though I learned more of Chist than I had done before, I was not enabled to call him mine. Therefore it could not be conversion,
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and to take rest or indulge peace any where short of the new birth, was losing conversion and settling on the sand. From all this lack of knowledge in spiritual religion, we are able to account for the extravagance as stated above.The conflict between hope and despair soon began again; for what I had yet received was only encouragement to seek the Lord. Meeting with Isaac Reding about this time, he, by extorting some answers from me, pronounced me a child of grace, according to his own experience, which gave me a very poor opinion of his religion. About the first of May 1772, I went to a Baptist church meeting for the first time in my life. James Ireland was the pastor of said church -- the house being crowded, I took my stand outside, though near where the preacher sat to examine candidates for baptism. By the help of open logs, I could hear distinctly all that was related. -- Eight were received for baptism, and my belief was, that only one out of the eight was converted. The others only related what I had felt myself. This grieved me much; I doubted even the preacher himself being a christian, for encouraging them poor, deluded souls, to join the church, who were in no better state than myself; and to augment my vexation, Isaac Reding whispering through the logs, invited me to come in and tell my experience. I very abruptly answered no. My private thought was, you are sending people enough to hell already, meaning the seven they had received, that in my belief were not born again. This was a sore day and night for me, being much distressed for others as well as myself. The next day was also a grievous day to me, to see these deluded seven go into the water, and from thence as I thought, seal their own damnation at the Lord's table. I left the meeting with awful horror of mind on my account and that of others. I slept but little that night. When I got to my father's, though a fair sunshine morning, every thing looked horrible;
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all nature seemed to mourn; the very sunshine looked to me sorrowful; every breath I drew, articulated to this amount -- Woe is me. I could neither sit down, nor stand still five minutes together with pure distress of mind, on the account of myself and the poor deluded seven I had seen baptized the day before. My belief now is, that my reason was giving way fast; for the earth appeared to be trembling under me, or as running round with me, as unwilling to bear such a ponderous load of filth as I was, prayer to God was my main alternative; for he alone could help me. Designing to go to a certain place for that purpose, and casting my eyes on a hymn book, a verse of a hymn occurred to me as follows:This verse kept repeating in my mind till I got out at the door, when it kindled into a heavenly flame. It seemed as if the name Jesus never sounded so sweet before. Its fulness seemed as if it would fill earth and heaven; and when this was added to it, My GOD, my hope began to revive, while this scripture rose up in my mind, "Reach higher thy finger and behold my hands, and reach hither thy hand and thrust it into my side, and be not faithless but believing." I saw no man, nor heard any voice; but according to my sincere belief, the Lord Jesus spake the words, and to me, and was very near. A tide of heavenly joy flowed into my soul, and of the rapturous kind far exceeding any thing I had ever felt before, with a claim to him far surpassing any evidence I ever had before, which constrained me to answer as Thomas did in John 20th chap. 28th verse, My Lord and my God. This answer was repeating through my mind with such heavenly rapture, that I scarcely knew whether I was in the body or out of the body. I now believed I was born of God; that Christ was my Saviour, and that I should never sorrow,"Jesus, my God, I know his name,
"His name is all my trust;
"Nor will he put my soul to shame,
"Or let my hope he lost."
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sin, or doubt again; but in part of this I was mistaken. I now could retrace my exercise, and see that what I had recieved [sic] at the hangmg rock was of the same quality, and as saving in its nature as what I now received, and had full fellowship for my seven deluded christians, that had been baptized the day before. Two weeks after, I was baptized by James Ireland, in the same church where the Redings had their membership.I was now in my twentieth year. I found the church no place of ease to me, for among other distresses that attended me, a new one occurred. I soon began to feel great anxieties to communicate what I felt and knew of Christ to my fellow-men. This was to me a great source of perplexity, on account of my unpreparedness for so great a work, and how awful it would be to run without sendng. And though I endeavored to look to the Lord by prayer for direction on that head, I could never get a satisfactory answer. Joseph Reding soon moved to South Carolina. Isaac Reding keeping meetings in the neighborhood, it came on as a thing of course, to give him some aid in his meetings, so that in a few months I became a public speaker in the neighborhood where I lived. My conclusions were that I could live no where, but where Joseph Reding lived. The next winter I travelled to South Carolina, either to live there, or get him to return with me. We returned in the spring, and the church called me forward to preach, at which I have continued for more than fifty years. About four years after I began to preach, I was ordained as an itinerant preacher. The Presbytery that officiated in the ordaination [sic], was Lewis Craig, John Picket, John Cunes, Joseph Reding, and Theodorick Noel, (the father of our Silas M. Noel,) a faithful servant of Jesus Christ, who lived and died in Virginia. He began to preach when young, continued in the ministry perhaps forty years, and was one of the most successful preachers of his day. He
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died a few years past. I was a travelling preacher about ten years, (of which I have said something elsewhere) before I was married, soon after I moved to Kentucky, in the fall 1783. There was no [B]aptist association in this state when I moved to it, and only five churches of that order. I have gained an extensive acquaintance with the Kentucky Baptists, perhaps by being overly officious among them. I have said above I could get no satisfactory answer, as to my call to the ministry. My present impressions are, that the call lies in a good man's motives to the work, and the call of the church. If a christian has preaching talents, and the church says preach, he may go on safely. This is my call, and for no other do I look at present, though in my youth I laboured long for evidences of my call, of which a visionary something would then have satisfied me.I have said, a good motive to the work, and the call of the church, is all sufficient as to a man's authority to preach the gospel. By a good motive to the work, I understand, the man's own soul must be converted, for except he is born again, he cannot have a spiritually good motive, and is what Paul designs, by "the husbandman that laboureth must first be partaker of the fruit."
It is this that produces a desire in him, after what Paul calls a good work -- this is a feeling sensibility in him, that "one man's soul is worth more than all the world," and while the love of Christ constrains him, he will very gladly, or readily, spend and be spent, for the salvation of his fellow men. All this I felt for many months, to the amount of robbing me both of sleep and food; and adding to that the voice of the church -- but all did not satisfy me, for I was not called as the ancient prophets and apostles were, but to glorify God, and benefit men, is the sole ground of the ministerial motive, and there is no self serving, in all this sacred business -- in all this I have felt conscious for more than half a century.
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My own belief is, that none properly understands the gospel or voice of the shepherd, but his sheep, or the true christian. Therefore the voice of the church is very essential; in the call to the ministry, the bridegroom is out of the way; what the bride does in his absence, should be valid. The church ought to act under great responsibility, being accountable to the chief shepherd at his return; so help us Lord, that we may all have boldness in the day of judgement [sic]. The instruments of my encouragement, in my early days. I had three gospel fathers, to-wit : William Marshall, the instrument of my first awakening and convertion; James Ireland, the man who baptized me, and under whose pastoral care I lived for some time; and Joseph Reding, under whose care, and with whom I travelled near ten years, before I was a married man; all these men seemed tender towards me, as if I was their natural Son.But the greatest instrument of my encouragement after all, was the Bible itself -- there I saw the whole will of God at once; in point of both practice and opinion, what I saw in this heaven born book, I received as the voice of God to me, and was the invaluable guide of my whole man, both in motive and actions; to this I appeal in all controversy, and by this I expect to be judged at the last day.
Of all the reilgious duties in which I have ever been employed, as to conscious satisfaction, baptism takes the lead; and in that blessed work, three different days exceeds. The first was, the evening after myself was baptized -- the second was, the same day fifty years after my own baptism, I baptized a number of people -- lastly, on my birth day, when I was seventy years old, I baptized eighteen people. I suppose I have gone into the water more than a hundred times to baptize others, and in every case a sweet peace of conscience attended me.
JOHN TAYLOR.
[From A History of Ten Baptist Churches, 1823; reprint, 1968, pp. 287-300. Transcribed and formatted by Jim Duvall.]
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