Note: In the footnotes symbols are changed to numbers. The letter "B" in the notes designates the editor of the Complete Works, Joseph Belcher, D.D. - Jim Duvall
MEMOIR OF THE REV. ANDREW FULLER
By Andrew Gunton FullerSECTION III. - 1784 TO 1792.
LABOURS AT KETTERING - NORTHAMPTONSHIRE ASSOCIATION - UNION OF MINISTERS FOR PRAYER AND CONFERENCE RELATIVE TO THE PROMOTION OF VITAL RELIGION - EXTRACTS FROM HIS DIARY - PUBLICATION OF HIS TREATISE ON THE UNIVERSAL OBLIGATION OF FAITH - CONTROVERSIES ARISING OUT OF IT - DIARY RESUMED - LETTERS TO DR. RYLAND ON THE ILLNESS AND DEATH OF HIS DAUGHTER SARAH - FURTHER EXTRACTS FROM HIS DIARY - ILLNESS AND DEATH OF HIS WIFE.
CONSCIOUS of having entered on a more extended, and, consequently, a more responsible field of labour, Mr. Fuller addressed himself to his work with his constitutional ardour. The increase of occupation which he had anticipated was chiefly, if not altogether, of a local nature; but the great Disposer of events rendered his removal to Kettering subservient to engagements to which those of his pastoral office bore a small proportion, whether viewed in relation to their bearing on the interests of mankind, or on his own personal exertions.
The first two years of his residence at Kettering were, however, distinguished by no operations beyond the immediate sphere of pastoral labour, if we except those arising out of his connexion with the churches of the Northamptonshire
[p. 35]
Association,1 a register of whose statistics and history, for a succession of years, forms the subject of a private memorandum, accompanied with remarks on their circumstances, indicative of a heart devoted to their welfare. The influence of his talents and character began early to be felt among them. His assistance was claimed in their public services, his advice sought in their difficulties; nor is it too much to say that his judgment became the standard of appeal to an extent altogether unprecedented.
The friendship which Mr. Fuller had previously commenced with those excellent men, the late Messrs. Sutcliffe, of Olney, and Ryland, of Northampton, was now cemented by frequent intercourse, by which the interests of their respective churches, as well as those of the cause of Christ at large, were materially benefited. A pamphlet, written by the celebrated President Edwards, on the importance of general union in prayer for the revival of true religion, having found its way into their hands, was printed and diligently circulated. This was followed by a small publication, entitled "Persuasives to extraordinary Union in Prayer for the Revival of Real Religion," appended by Mr. Fuller to a sermon which he published about this time "On Walking by Faith: " periodical meetings for prayer were instituted among the ministers in their immediate neighbourhoods; resolutions were also passed at a meeting of the Association, at Nottingham, and subsequently at similar meetings in other districts, recommending the setting apart of the first Monday evening in every month for prayer for the extension of the gospel. It is, perhaps, not too much to say that these gave the impetus to that missionary spirit which afterwards extended itself successively through every denomination of the Christian world, and with which the origin of the British and Foreign Bible Society is closely identified: be that as it may, the importance of these meetings became more and more obvious in connexion with missionary efforts, the practice being almost universally adopted by the various communions of Dissenters, and continuing in existence to the present day. A few extracts from Mr. Fuller's private memorandums, about this time, will show with what singleness of heart he entered into the spirit of the apostolic aphorism - "None of us liveth to himself."
"1784, April 11. - A tender forenoon in public prayer. My heart aches for the congregation, young and old, especially for some who seem to be under concern. Oh if Christ might but be formed in them! But I am so carnal that I fear God will never do any thing by me.
"25. - Expounded Matthew iv. this evening, on Christ's temptation; noticed its importance, time, circumstances, and issue, inferring that as Christ did not run into temptation, but was led up, so we must not; but pray, as he has directed, that we enter not into it.
"30. - Very little exercise to-day. What reason have I to pray for a revival in my soul! Surely I am to a sad degree sunk into a spirit of indifference: 'My soul cleaveth to the dust.'
"May 3. - Some tenderness in preaching at Stagsden: endeavoured to speak plain and home to the understandings and consciences of some poor plain people, on Christ's being a way that men know not.
"7. - Heard Mr. Robert Hall, jun., from, 'He that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow.' Felt very solemn in hearing some parts! The Lord keep that young man!
"8. - Conversation with Robert Hall on various subjects. Some tenderness
--------------------------------
1 This association embraced at that period the churches in several adjoining counties.
[p. 36]
and earnestness in prayer after his departure. Oh could I but keep more near to God! How good is it to draw near to Him!
"11. - Devoted this day to fasting and prayer, in conjunction with several other ministers, who have agreed thus to spend the second Tuesday in every other month, to seek the revival of real religion, and the extension of Christ's kingdom in the world. Feel very unhappy, to think that my heart should be no more in it. But very little of the true spirit of prayer throughout the whole day.
"16. - A good forenoon: tender in prayer for the revival of religion, and the carrying on of a good work among our young people. Very tender tonight, at Thrapston, and greatly concerned for the salvation of souls while preaching on sinners being like Moab - at ease from his youth. Here I am child enough to think - surely some good must be done!
"26. - Some sense of the importance of everlasting things, occasioned by hearing the conversation of some wicked men. Oh! if I had an abiding sense of the danger and worth of souls, surely I should feel more like Aaron, when he ran, with his censer, between the living and the dead.
"June 11. - Spoke to-night from, 'Learn of me, for I am meek and lowly in heart.' Indeed, I have need to learn more of this. I find applauses to be fiery trials.
"13. - At Olney. A poor cold day, except in the evening. I am weary of being out from home so much. I want to be more at home, that I may be more with God.
"21. - Much affected to-day in visiting some poor friends; especially in going to see a little boy, of seven or eight years old, in a decline, not likely to continue long. My heart felt for his everlasting state. Conversed with him a little on Divine subjects.
"July 9. - Some serious tenderness of spirit and concern for the carnality of my heart, for some days past. Read to our friends, this evening, a part of Mr. Edwards's Attempt to promote Prayer for the Revival of Religion, to excite them to the like practice. Felt my heart profited and much solemnized by what I read.
"11. - A good forenoon in preaching on fellowship with Christ. Felt some tenderness of heart several times in the day, longing for the coming of Christ's kingdom and the salvation of my hearers.
"12. - Read part of a poem, by John Scott, Esq., on the cruelties of the English in the East Indies, causing artificial famines, &c. My heart felt most earnest desires that Christ's kingdom might come, when all these cruelties shall cease. Oh for the time when neither the sceptre of oppression nor heathen superstition shall bear the sway over them! Lord Jesus, set up thy glorious and peaceful kingdom all over the world! Found earnest desire this morning, in prayer, that God would hear the right, as to them, and hear our prayers, in which the churches agree to unite, for the spread of Christ's kingdom.
"13. - Spent this day in fasting and prayer, in conjunction with several of my brethren in the ministry, for the revival of our churches and the spread of the gospel. Found some tenderness and earnestness in prayer, several times in the day. Wrote a few thoughts on the desirableness of the coming of Christ's kingdom.
"16. - Rode to Arnsby, this morning; had some profitable conversation with Mr. Hall. Returned and heard Mr. ____ , of _____ , with grief. Surely the
[p. 37]
system of religion [false Calvinism] which he, with too many others, has imbibed, enervates every part of vital godliness.
"18. - A good forenoon in preaching from, 'All my springs are in thee;' but a better time in prayer. Found my heart go out for the children and youth of the congregation; owing, perhaps, to my having spoken last night at the grave of the little boy mentioned June 21. Poor child! he seemed to like that I should talk with him before he died.
"19. - Chiefly employed in writing and visiting poor friends. Think I get good, and hope I do some good, by the latter.
"27. - Dull and unaffected. Nothing seems to lay hold of me. Some fear to-night in prayer. An accident that has befallen my youngest child now lays sufficient hold of me; I fear lest he should be taken from me. Very much moved in prayer for him. O Lord, I must have something trying to move me. How I shall endure this I know not. O prepare him, and prepare me! Feel my heart tender to-day, and some thankfulness of heart for hope afforded of the child. All, how easy to speak of resigning our whole selves, and all that pertains to us, to the Lord; but how difficult to do so when it comes to the trial!"
A more extended sphere of labour began now to open itself, and more varied and painful exercises of mind awaited Mr. Fuller, than those indicated in the preceding extracts; it was not for him to enjoy that freedom from polemical engagements for which he had so ardently longed and prayed. The change of sentiments which took place during his residence at Soham had not been lightly effected, and a manuscript on this subject, which had lain by him from that time, though written at so early a period of his life, bears evident marks of an acuteness of perception, and a patience and candour of investigation, rarely combined in the productions of those of riper years. The preface to this essay is characterized by beautiful simplicity of statement, and anticipates the distinguishing feature of the work, which, though not less remarkable than his other productions for logical acumen, assumes less of a polemical aspect, and more of the attitude of honest inquiry. The difference between them, however, originated only in the circumstances under which they were respectively produced; the one being written expressly for private use, the others as a defense of truth.
The value of the sentiments contained in this manuscript, and the methodical and masterly manner in which the subject was argued, were too obvious any longer to admit of its suppression; and the persuasion of friends, aided by the sincere desire of doing good, at length prevailed over the native modesty of the author.
The leading sentiment advocated is the universal obligation of the hearers of the gospel to its cordial and entire reception.
This was argued on the general principle that man is bound to approve and receive whatever God presents to his attention, a principle supported not less by the sanctions of Scripture than the dictates of reason - on the testimony borne to the claims of the gospel in particular by the commands, exhortations, and invitations, abounding both in the Old and New Testaments - on the obedience required to the gospel necessarily involving previous obligation - on unbelief being represented as a heinous sin, subjecting to the most awful punishments - and, finally, on other spiritual exercises, inseparably connected with faith, being represented as universal duties.
The leading objections to these views are fully considered: these chiefly relate to the decrees of God - to the particularity of redemption - the inability of
[p. 38]
the carnal mind to receive spiritual things, and the consequent necessity of Divine influence. These doctrines were not only believed by Mr. Fuller, but invested with great importance in his esteem. The conclusion drawn from them against the universal obligation of faith is, however, shown to be fallacious. That from the first position would equally exculpate men from any moral delinquency, and also render means for the attainment of temporal subsistence vain and inconsistent. The inference from the second is shown to arise from an overstrained comparison of the atonement of Christ to the discharge of a debt, the extreme of which view is shown to be at variance with the doctrine of free forgiveness, and with the application of sinners as suppliants rather than as claimants. In correcting this notion, Mr. Fuller insists that the atonement proceeds not on the principle of commercial, but of moral justice, and that the reasoning thereon must correspond with this view. The objection founded on the inability of man, Mr. F. meets, by showing that this inability is no where represented in Scripture as of a proper or physical, but of a figurative or moral kind,2 an unwillingness so inveterate as to require a Divine influence to overcome it, which, so far from excusing an inattention to the claims of the gospel, is in itself a gross aggravation of the evil - that the arguments used to justify it on the ground of alleged incapacity annul a distinction founded not less in reason than in Scripture, and would equally justify any grade of moral delinquency and a total disregard of the law of God, and at once exculpate men from the imputation of sin. The subtle distinction of duties into moral and spiritual, by which the force of this reasoning is evaded, is proved to have no existence in Scripture - and it is shown that, in fact, there can be no true morality which is not spiritual, nor can God require an insincere or defective obedience.
Powerful as were the arguments advanced by Mr. Fuller in this treatise, it was not to be expected that a view of religion so practically identified with the whole system of theology which had prevailed nearly half a century, and had been partially embraced and defended by men of acknowledged talent and piety, would readily surrender its claims on the public regard. Some excellent men of the same connexion as Mr. F. were grieved that the doctrines of free grace should, as they considered, sustain an injury from one who professed an adherence to them. One of these addressed himself respectfully in reply; while others, less mindful of the interests of truth than of their own personal importance, poured forth torrents of illiterate abuse, unaccompanied with the shadow of an argument.
A neighbouring minister, whom we must, in the judgment of charity, hope to have been in some measure influenced by the former of these feelings, but who cannot claim an exemption from a portion of the latter imputation, earnestly importuned a sight of the MS. With this request Mr. Fuller complied, at the same time observing that any animadversions he might make should receive a serious and candid attention, provided they were accompanied by
------------------------------
2 Mr. F., in reply to an opponent, thus explains his views on this subject: - "All such terms as necessary, cannot, impossible &c., when applied to these subjects, are used improperly: they always denote, in strict propriety of speech, an obstruction arising from something distinct from the state of the will." This view "represents man as not only possesing great advantages, but as able to comply with every thing that God requires at his hand; ands that all his misery arises from his voluntary abuse of mercy, and his willful rebellion against God. It is not a want of ability, but of inclination, that proves his ruin." In a note, he adds, "I maintain that men have the same power, strictly speaking, before they are wrought upon by the Holy Spirit, as after, and before conversion as after; that the work of the Spirit endows us with no new rational powers, nor any powers that are necessary to moral agency."
[p. 39]
evidence. The manuscript was soon returned, accompanied with a letter replete with illiterate abuse, while all argument was declined, on the pretext that "enough had been said already." He charges Mr. F. with having "gathered those scriptures used by Arminians," to the neglect of those parts which "speak distinctly and clearly the Jews' language, and not the language of Ashdod." He further charges him with disrespect to Drs. Gill, Owen, Ridgely, &c.; and concludes by expressing his conviction that "time was when no such calf would ever have been suffered to be born or nourished at the little meeting at Kettering."
The respect Mr. Fuller bore to the private character of this individual induced him to reply. "If," he writes, "a friend of mine had called on me purely in a way of respect; if he had written anything that I did not approve; if I had requested and even importuned a sight of it upon the footing of friendship; if he had desired me with all the frankness of a Christian to point out any of his mistakes, promising to rectify or suppress any thing that should be found amiss, adding, however, this caution, that I should not barely call them mistakes, but prove them so; if, on perusing his papers, I had, instead of making any candid remarks tending to conviction, written a letter fraught with reproachful sneers and low invective, unaccompanied by any kind of evidence; I should have thought, had I thought right, that I had acted beneath the minister, the Christian, or the man.
"Texts of Scripture are none the worse for having been quoted by Arminians. You wonder that any who call themselves Calvinists should talk thus; and I wonder any should call themselves Calvinists who talk otherwise. It is very singular to charge me with disrespect to Drs. Gill and Owen, when there is not a single animadversion on their writings in the whole MS. As to the former, I have not taken a single quotation from his writings, nor spoken a syllable about his sentiments, but barely written his name on a blank page for the purpose of transcribing something from him tending to confirm what I have written, when I should copy it again. As to the latter, I never met with any thing of importance in his writings on which I saw any reason to animadvert; so far from it, that I know of no writer for whom I have so great an esteem; it would be a faint expression for me to say I approve his principles - I admire them. I suppose you saw the names of these worthies, and observed that I said or intended to say something about them, and you concluded it must be against them. This reminds me of an old woman who, hearing her clergyman frequently preach against popery, exclaimed, 'Our parson is certainly a papish; for he talks so much about the pope.' Alas! into what misconstructions and misrepresentations will not a partial spirit insensibly betray us! I believe if Drs. G. and O. were living, they would defend their principles against some things which certain writers since their death have attempted to father upon them: the same maybe said of Dr. Ridgely; I never saw more than one passage in his writings unfavourable to my views, and could produce twenty for them.
"But I have 'treated the sacred Scriptures with partiality, by collecting those parts which suit my turn, and omitting others that clearly speak the Jews' and not my Ashdod language.' Truly, sir, I never thought it necessary to collect scriptures irrelative to the purpose for which I was writing. I suppose you would have had me occupy half the work in proving the doctrine of election, as Mr. Wayman did - a doctrine believed by his antagonist as much as himself. I assure you, sir, I never observed a studied silence of anyone argument or scripture that might be thought to make against me. It seems, according to
[p. 40]
your account, that one part only of the Scripture speaks clearly and distinctly what you call the Jews' language. I used to think, sir, the Scriptures were all of a piece, but I understand you - that part which does not agree with your creed does not speak Jews' language. This comes too from the pen of the man who in the same letter, and even the same sentence, was charging his friend with treating the sacred Scriptures with partiality!
"You must go on, sir, if you choose, calling me Arminian, Baxterian, or any thing else it may please you best. These are things which I hope will not move me. I only say that though I verily believe it is every man's duty to be of a right spirit - such a spirit as cordially to embrace whatever God makes known, yet such is my opinion of human nature, that I have not the most distant idea of either the probable or possible salvation of any one but those who 'according to God's purpose' are 'made willing in the day of his power,' and this you must have fully known had you with any candour attended to what I have written.
"I desire to seek both 'truth and peace,' and so far as I can enjoy the latter without sacrificing the former, I hope it will be one chief object of my pursuit. Should what I have written be published, and should any number of persons, instead of seriously attending to evidence, take fire, call names, and set their churches in a flame - and should they after this upbraid me with having 'stirred up divisions in the churches,' for all or any of this I hope I shall never be thought accountable."
This reply called forth a second and a third letter equally abusive; but as for evidences, the demand for them is a mere "come off." "Are there not," he asks, "reasons enough, evidences in plenty, already extant?"
Mr. Fuller's polemical propensities were hardly strong enough to be attracted, by this sagacious reference to "evidences already extant," to the continuance of a correspondence in which he could gain nothing but scurrility; he therefore respectfully declined it.
This correspondence would not have been thought deserving of notice, but that it fairly represents the temper, talents, and information of a large portion of the opposition it was Mr. Fuller's fate to encounter in private intercourse; while no small degree of it actually struggled into print in the shape of various pamphlets, some of which are fraught with doggerel of the very lowest grade.
It was refreshing amidst all this to find a few opponents capable of observing the rules of civilized intercourse, and of addressing themselves for the most part to the consideration of the points in dispute; such were the Rev. Messrs. Button, A. Booth, A. Maclean, and, on the Arminian side, Dan Taylor. 3 It
-------------------------------
3 Perhaps justice demands that the statement be here made, that though Mr. Taylor ostensibly appeared as the antagonist of Mr. Fuller, yet that the principal man in the production of his books was the late Rev. George Birley, of St. Ives, ijn Huntingdonshire, the intimate friend of Robert Robinson, the latter having derived his ingenious sermon on the pastoral office founded on friendship at Mr. B.'s ordination. Mr. Fuller always suspected this to be the fact, and Mr. B. distinctly told me after his death that he suggested to Mr. Taylor his principal line of arguments, and some of his illustrations. I know not that this fact in itself would be worth recording, if it did not allow me an opportunity of warning my younger ministerial brethren against the temper and spirit of Mr. Birley, which destroyed his usefulness, and his reputaiton. He was a man of unquestionably acute mind, was inordinately fond of criticism, and never seemed so happy as when heaping on an opponent a load of questions which no man could answer. He resided at St. Ives nearly fifty years, and was for some time very popular; having however, inoculated his people with his own spirit, which extended into other congregations in the town, religion long seemed to be lost in speculation. For many years before his death he had but the skeleton of a congregaiton, and even these dispersed soon after he died. Nothing but a very sound, judicious, and perseveringly energetic ministry could have repaired the mischeifs of his conduct in the neighbouring churches. - B.
[p. 41]
was a matter, however, of grave complaint, that much misconception and consequent misrepresentation of his views was to be found in each of their publications, a considerable portion of which was devoted to the elaborate proving of doctrines cordially received by their opponent; nor was there any thing in the course of his polemical career which furnished Mr. Fuller with so much cause of grief as the reiterated disingenuousness of conduct manifested towards him by a man so deservedly esteemed for learning, integrity, and holiness of character, as Mr. Booth, between whom and himself there was moreover but a slight difference of opinion. The circulation of certain incorrect and injurious representations of Mr. Fuller's sentiments, the subsequent publication of the same after a distinct avowal of their incorrectness, and their republication after a serious and respectful letter of remonstrance, of which Mr. B. takes no notice, furnish evidence of the power of prejudice over even an upright mind. Impartiality requires the admission that Mr. Fuller was, in more than one instance, chargeable with misrepresentation, the discovery of which was, however, followed by the most prompt and unqualified acknowledgment.
The reply to Mr. Button was accompanied by an answer to "Observations, &c., by Philanthropos," a work in which the Rev. D. Taylor attacks with considerable spirit and ingenuity the Calvinistic positions of "The Gospel worthy," &c. "It may appear somewhat extraordinary," says Mr. Fuller, in his reply, "that the same sentiment should be liable to opposition from gentlemen of such contrary principles as MR. BUTTON and PHILANTHROPOS. It may be less surprising, however, when it is considered that there are certain points in which the most opposite extremes are known to meet. An attentive reader will perceive a great affinity in the tendency of their reasonings on various subjects. If I am not greatly mistaken, they both particularly agree in denying faith in Christ to be a duty required by the moral law; and in excusing the sinner, unless grace is bestowed upon him, in his noncompliance with ever thing spiritually good."
The exceptions taken by Mr. Maclean were of a complexion different from either of those before stated, and were grounded on certain views of the nature of faith, and its priority to regeneration and repentance, peculiar to the bulk of the Baptist churches in Scotland and parts of Ireland. Mr. M. argued that Mr. Fuller's position of a holy change of heart being requisite in order to true faith in Christ, was "subversive of the great doctrine of justification by grace alone without the works of the law," and maintained that faith was a mere intellectual exercise, ascribing to it, nevertheless, all the fruits of a holy principle.
To this view of things Mr. Fuller first replied in an appendix to the second edition of his work, which, giving rise to further observations on the part of his opponent, resulted in the production of "Strictures on Sandemanianism, in Twelve Letters to a Friend," a work worthy alike of the talents of its author and of the powerful antagonist against whose writings it was directed.
The controversy on faith, which in all its branches extended, with some intervals, to a period of more than twenty years, was by far the most considerable in which Mr. Fuller was engaged; and it being that which was the most identified with his name, and which gave rise to the grossest misrepresentations of his character and views, especially in his own denomination, no apology will be offered for the peculiar prominence given to it in this memoir.
A continuation of the diary from which extracts have already been made, while it exhibits the feelings under which Mr. Fuller commenced and continued
[p. 42]
these engagements, will serve to fill up the portraiture of his character at this period of his life.
"Aug. 10, 1784. - Occupied in writing for the press some persuasives to united prayer for the revival of real religion.
"20. - Many misgivings of heart, about engaging in defense of what I esteem truth, lest the cause of Christ should be injured through me. Surely, if I did not believe that in defense of which I write to be important truth, I would hide my head in obscurity all my days.
"21. - Much pain at heart to-day, while reading in Dr. Owen. Feel almost a sacred reverence for his character. Surely I am more brutish than any man, and have not the understanding of a man! Oh that I might be led into Divine truth! 'Christ and his cross be all my theme.' I love his name, and wish to make it the centre in which all the lines of my ministry should meet! The Lord direct my way in respect of publishing. Assuredly he knows my end is to vindicate the excellence of his character, and his worthiness of being loved and credited.
"23. - The weight of publishing still lies upon me. I expect a great share of unhappiness through it. I had certainly much rather go through the world in peace, did I not consider this step as my duty. I feel a jealousy of myself, lest I should not be endued with meekness and patience sufficient for controversy. The Lord keep me! I wish to suspect my own spirit, and go forth leaning on him for strength. I heard yesterday that Mr. William Clarke is likely to come to Carlton; the Lord grant he may! Oh that I were of such a meek and lowly spirit as that good man!
"24. - Some tenderness in prayer of late, yet fear lest I should be blasted in my ministry on account of my barrenness. Conversation with Mr. Toller4 on various subjects affecting to me. The Lord keep me and lead me into all truth.
"25. - Enjoyed delight for some days in reading over the Acts of the Apostles before family prayer. Sweet times in that duty.
"26. - I felt some tenderness to-day at the church-meeting; but much depression of spirit generally now attends me. I feel a solid satisfaction that the cause in which I am about to engage is the cause of truth and righteousness; but I am afraid lest it should suffer through me.
"29. - A very tender and affectionate time in prayer for the congregation, especially the young people. - Finished expounding Christ's sermon on the mount. Some cautions I had given me tonight I wish I may attend to. The Lord lead me into the spirit of the gospel, and keep me from extremes.
"Sept. 3. - Very earnest and fervent this evening, preaching on love to Christ's salvation. Oh if God would but make use of it!
"6. - Feel myself vile before God. My vileness is as if it were restless, and could never be still night nor day.
"9. - A letter from Soham much depresses me to hear of their jarrings. Know not how to preach.
"21. - Occupied all day in writing letters into Cambridgeshire. Oh may God bless them to their good! Very tender in writing them.
"22. - Chiefly employed in preparing a MS. for the press on the obligations of men in respect to the gospel of Christ. Felt some pleasure in the sentiments I have written.
-----------------------------
4 The excellent congregational minister at Kettering, an extract from whose funeral sermon for Mr. Fuller, and also his own character as delineated by Mr. Hall, appear in the latter portion of this Memoir. - B.
[p. 43]
"26. - Deeply affected this morning in thinking and preaching on the poor and needy seeking water and finding none, &c. Some tenderness too in the afternoon: this thought was moving, that our hardness of heart broke Christ's heart, and our stupidity made his soul exceedingly sorrowful, even unto death.
"Oct. 4. - To-morrow, ministers' meeting; the Lord meet with us. The ministers met to-night, it being the monthly exercise of prayer for the revival of religion.
"7. - Spent the day chiefly in the company of some of the ministers. Much depressed in spirit, and grieved at seeing such levity and wanton folly in a certain person. My heart is sick of all knowledge and accomplishments unless made to subserve the cause of the blessed Redeemer. How empty and frothy, unless sanctified by the grace of God! Felt my heart go out in prayer for that person.
"18. - Much depressed in spirit on account of my want of spirituality: prayed with tenderness of heart. Sensibly felt my entire dependence on the Spirit of God for the continuance of the work of grace as well as for the beginning of it.
"21. - Feel some pain in the thought of being about to publish On the Obligations of Men to Believe in Christ, as supposing I shall thereby expose myself to much abuse, which is disagreeable to the flesh. Had I not a satisfaction that it is the cause of God and truth, I would drop all thoughts of printing. The Lord keep me meek and lowly in heart.
"22. - [In allusion to the termination of a domestic trial] This day the Lord has been merciful. A saying of Mr. Hall, which I heard him use in prayer, has been much to me of late. 'Lord, we are bound this night to love thee more than ever we did before.'
"24. - I have many fears concerning certain flesh-pleasing doctrines lately agitated, particularly that of the final salvation of all, men and devils. I have no doubt that this notion will have a great spread in twenty years' time, however contrary to the word of God, seeing it is what just suits the flesh.
"31. - Preached this afternoon on the dimensions of the love of Christ. Great delight at the Lord's supper. Oh to know more of and live upon Christ! he must be our daily bread. Sweet pleasure tonight. Can hardly forbear singing as I go about,
'Oh for this love let rocks and hills
Their lasting silence break,' &c.
Nov. 12. - Feel my mind earnestly engaged in longing for the salvation of souls; earnest in prayer for this. Oh what an awful thing it seems to me for sinners under a fatal disease not to desire a remedy!
"22. - Walked to Northampton. Some prayer that God would bless that about which I am going, namely, the printing of a manuscript on faith in Christ being the duty of unregenerate sinners.
"Dec. 18. - Feel myself to-day a poor carnal wretch! Casting my eye on 'Woe to the idol shepherd,' &c., thought that was my character. Reading in James, 'with meekness receive the ingrafted word,' methought there was something in that which I could not reach. Felt my heart go up to God that I might understand it.
"22. - Some tender feelings under my frequent indisposition of body. Thought how I should bear it, if God should lay me by from the work of the ministry.
"31. - Deeply affected on Wednesday night, in singing with little R. in my arms: -
[p. 44]
'O mayst thou live to reach the place,' &c. If I should die before him, let him remember this, and S. the verses in the diary, &c.
"1785, Jan. 2, Lord's day. - Preached this afternoon a new-year's sermon to young people, from 'Come, ye children,' &c. Some sweet and solemn feelings, as I sat in the vestry, while a hymn for the new year was sung: felt my heart very tender, and a longing desire for the welfare of the young people: preached to them with some earnestness. Felt much also this day in reading Bunyan's Holy War, particularly that part where the four captains agree to petition the King for more force: felt a great satisfaction in my principles concerning preaching to sinners, and a desire to pray, like them, for help from on high, to render the word effectual.
"8. - Much affected to-day in hearing my little girl say, 'How soon sabbath day comes again!' Felt grieved to see the native aversion of the carnal heart to God so early discovering itself. Was led to importune God at a throne of grace on her behalf.
"9. - This evening expounded Acts vi. One verse in particular carries in it conviction to me: That we may give ourselves wholly to prayer and the ministry of the word.
"11. - Some outgoings of heart in prayer to-day for the revival of real religion, first in my own soul, and then in the churches in general. My own mental departures from God have been long and great! Went several times to the Lord, with some satisfaction, but found not such nearness of access as I could wish.
"14. - Spoke to-night with some freedom on Psal. cxvi. 9, 'I will walk before the Lord,' &c. Explained it as consisting in viewing ourselves always as in God's sight, and not merely in the sight of creatures, whether godly or ungodly; in striving to please God: and in attending in a constant way to the most spiritual duties. Observed the goodness of the resolution; because this course was safe, honourable, and happy.
"Feb. 8. - Visited Mr. Toller to-day, who has been very ill: some serious conversation with him on the importance of real religion in a dying hour.
"11. - Read part of the life of J. Janeway to-day, with much conviction and tenderness. O my life, how low to his!
"13. - Some earnestness to-day in preaching on pressing forward, and on the desire accomplished being sweet to the soul; but little spirituality. Very earnest to-night in preaching from 'What will ye do in the end thereof?'
"16. - In the company of Christian friends. Some good conversation, but no free tender talk on things spiritual and experimental. I find Mr. ______ and the people at ____ carry their resentments very high, on account of what they reckon my erroneous principles. I need grace not so much at present to keep me from resenting again as to keep me from rejoicing in their iniquity. Undoubtedly they could not take measures that would more conduce to the reputation of what I have written and of what I preach, as well as to their own detriment.
"19. - Feel an earnest desire that my mind might be well furnished with gospel sentiments. Found encouragement in observing several in the congregation who are likely soon to join the church.
"22. - Tenderness in private prayer, attended with shame. An agreeable visit with Mr. B. W. at Mr. T.'s. Conversation very serious and profitable, chiefly on closet prayer and experimental subjects.
"March 11. - Feel a general lowness of spirits; partly occasioned by the
[p. 45]
bitter spirit of some neighbouring ministers, respecting my late publication and my preaching; and partly by sympathy with some of my friends under trials.
"16. - Visited Mr. Toller to-day, and had some good conversation.
"21. - Have been somewhat stirred beyond due bounds to-day, in talking with a member of the church who has sinned. It would have been better for me to have thought more of myself, and to have spoken to him with more humility.
"25. Returning from Woodford, (where I preached last night, with earnestness and solemnity of spirit, on the ways of sin being movable, like those of the adulteress,) I was led into a profitable strain of meditation, on our good Shepherd's care of his flock, occasioned by seeing some lambs exposed to the cold, and a poor sheep perishing for want of care.
"28. - Some heaviness of heart, because some of my friends do not take that freedom with me which I wish they did; at least it seems so to me.
"April 19. - Preached at Wellingborough, with some freedom, on Christ's commanding us to watch. Some conviction by conversing with Mr. Carver, whose carefulness not to circulate an evil report I admire.
"28. - I find it is often observed that persons in my condition, without greater advantages as to learning, are generally apt to be more censorious than others whose learning is far greater. I wish I may be always on the watch here.
"29. - Somewhat unhappy to see the disrelish, as I think, of one of my friends to the doctrines of sovereign grace. Oh that I may not only believe the truth, but love it!
"30. - Thought to-day I could wish to die if I had but done my generation work. Last Monday I heard a young man at N. speak of the advantage of mixing prayer with reading the word. This morning I have been trying to read in that way. Read the second chapter of Hosea thus; longing to use that sweet and holy freedom which the Lord designs to encourage, when he directs the church to call him not Baali, but Ishi. Oh that I could dwell nearer to God! I fear some trials in the church; but were I kept near to him, I should be able to bear any thing.
"May 1. - Found earnestness in preaching on the words of God doing good to the upright, and on Christ's being the same yesterday, to-day, and for ever. Felt my heart drawn out in prayer this morning that God would make some use of me for good. Praying that I might not labour in vain and spend my strength for nought, I felt a check of this kind - What then is my labour, and of what account is my strength? On this I found much outgoing of heart, in pleading Christ's merits as the ground, and the welfare of souls as the end.
"2. - Returning from Brigstock, where I preached last night, some conversation with Mr. Porter, of Thrapston,5 makes me reflect on myself for imprudence. I feel how far off from a right spirit I often am. This evening I felt
-----------------------------
5 This excellent man, a deacon of the Baptist church at Thrapston from its commencement, died at an advnaced age, in 1816. I may be permitted, in this connection, to relate an anecdote, told me by the late excellent Joseph J. Stevenson, for many years a colleague of Mr. P. in the diaconate. Mr. S., in the early period of his bearing office, did not feel quite comfortable, and was strongly disposed to resign his station. He was, however, prevailed on first to consult Mr. Fuller on the subject; and as his residence was but nine miles from Kettering, he went there for that purpose. Mr. F listened with great patience to the whole details, the substance of which was, that he did not think he was treated by the church with the respect which his office demanded. Mr. Fuller looked at him with his solemn earnestness, and emphatically said, "A man, my brother, who wishes to be loved, must show himself lovely." "This was quite enough for me," said Mr. S. when he told me the facts, "I returned home, and never since have had to complain of any lack of respect on the part of the church." - B.
[p. 46]
tender all the time of the prayer-meeting for the revival of religion; but, in hearing Mr. Beeby Wallis pray for me, I was overcome: his having a better opinion of me than I deserve cuts me to the heart! Went to prayer myself, and found my mind engaged more than ordinarily in praying for the revival of religion. I had felt many sceptical thoughts; as though there were room to ask, What profit shall I have if I pray to God? for which I was much grieved. Find a great satisfaction in these monthly meetings: even supposing our requests should not be granted, yet prayer to God is its own reward. Felt many bitter reflections for my stupid carnal way of living.
"8. - Impressed this morning in thinking of the wants of the people, how they would probably be coming from many places round, in quest of spiritual food, while I was barren, and scarcely knew what to say to them. Affected in thinking of Micah vii., 'Feed thy people with thy rod,' &c."
After alluding to a journey to Soham, and giving the details of a week's exercise in preaching and conversation in that neighbourhood, he adds -
"June 2. - To-day I go for home, laden with the burdens of others as well as some of my own.
"4. - An uncommon load lies all day on my spirits. I am incapable of all profitable meditation feel pained for the people to-morrow. Some few exercises on subjection to the Father of spirits; but very heavy in heart.
"5. - Feel myself quite ill with sorrow of heart had a very tender forenoon on the subject mentioned above; but a poor wretched afternoon: very much depressed all day.
"6. - But little exercise till towards night, when the sorrows of yesterday returned, and for two hours preyed upon my heart stronger than ever, so as to make me very ill. Darkness and confusion of mind overwhelm me.
"7. - Engaged in writing out the circular letter on Declensions in Religion for the press: found some very tender feelings towards the latter part of it; and enjoyed a good deal of pleasure on the whole in writing it.
"14. - Taken up with the company of Mr. Robert Hall, jun.: feel much pain for him. The Lord, in mercy to him and his churches in this country, keep him in the path of truth and righteousness.
"25. - Some pain of mind through a letter from Mr. ___, of London, expressing his fears lest my publication should occasion some uncomfortable disputes. Some outgoings of heart to God that this might not be.
"But a poor day yesterday in meditation; yet this day has been, I think, one of the best I have experienced for years. Most tenderly and earnestly affected, both in prayer and in preaching. In the morning I could scarcely go on for weeping, while preaching from Acts iv. 33, 'Great grace was upon them all!' Not quite so well in the afternoon, though I was upon the excellency of the knowledge of Christ. Yet I felt a sweet serenity at the Lord's supper, and spoke of it under the idea of a feast.
"29. - Pleasant conversation with some persons newly awakened. Heard Dr. Addington to-night, on our light afflictions, with pleasure and profit; but walked alone in the fields exceedingly disconsolate.
"July 3. - Another exceedingly melting sabbath very tender and earnest in prayer, and in preaching on casting our care on the Lord; and, in the afternoon, on the caution given to glory, not in wisdom, strength, or riches, but in the knowledge of God. Preached in the evening from 'Turn away mine eyes from beholding vanity;' occasioned by my own past exercises, and applied to the warning of people against the vanities of the world, particularly against improper
[p. 47]
behaviour at their feast, which is to-morrow; found great tenderness, particularly in warning the youth from the example of the young woman who last week came to such an awful end.
"5. - Rode to Walgrave; somewhat discouraged to see disunion; attempted a reconciliation, which I hope may be effected; felt tender and much concerned.
"6. - This morning a reconciliation was brought about, and Mr. Payne6 was ordained their pastor Mr. Ryland, jun., delivered the charge, and I had much profit in hearing him.
"16. - Some pleasure in thinking on God's power to do abundantly more than we can ask or think. Surely he had need have more power in giving than I have in asking.
"25. - I was much impressed this morning in reading Mason's Remains. Felt much affected and very solemn in prayer and conversing with a poor woman at Barton, who seems not likely to be here long, and is much in the dark as to her state.
Aug. 1. - Some affectionate emotions of heart in prayer to-night at the monthly prayer-meeting. Surely unbelief damps our near addresses to God, and something of that ungrateful suspicion which asks, 'What profit shall we have if we pray unto him?' lies at the bottom of our indifference in this duty.
"3. - Chiefly employed to-day in visiting poor friends. I have been too deficient in this practice.
"4. - Visited several more poor friends; some conversation profitable; but I mix all with sin.
"6. - Some tenderness in thinking on Jonah iii. 4, 'I said, I am cast out of thy sight; yet will I look again,' &c. We have had some awful providences of late. Mr. ___ , a clergyman of C __, has hanged himself, and a poor woman of B. seems in the very jaws of desperation. These things have led me to think on something that may be an antidote to despair.
"8. - Some exercises of mind this week through an advertisement of Dr. Withers, wherein I think he in a very vain manner threatens to reduce to dust my late publication. I wish I may be kept in a right spirit. I find myself, on seeing what I have hitherto seen, much subject to a spirit of contempt; but I wish not to indulge too much of that temper. Doubtless, I am wrong in some things. I wish I may be all along open to conviction; found some desires go up to heaven for such a spirit as this.
"26. - A letter from Mr. Thomas7 of Leominster, on the piece I lately published, has some effect upon my heart in a way of tender grief and fear.
"Sept. 30. - We had a ministers' meeting at Northampton. I preached, and brother Sutcliff, and brother Skinner. But the best part of the day was, I think, in conversation. A question was discussed, to the following purport: - To what causes in ministers may much of their want of success be imputed? The answer turned chiefly upon the want of personal religion; particularly the neglect of close dealing with God in closet prayer. Jeremiah x. 21 was here referred to, 'Their pastors are become brutish, and have not sought the Lord; therefore they shall not prosper, and their flocks shall be scattered.' Another reason assigned was the want of reading and studying the Scriptures more as Christians, for the edification of our own souls. We are too apt to study them merely to find out something to say to others, without living upon the truth ourselves.
-----------------------------
6 This very amiable servant of Jesus Christ faithfully laboured in this church for about forty years. He was the father of the Rev. Dr. Payne, president of the Congregational College at Exeter. - B.
7 It appears that this venerable minister afterwards fully embraced Mr. Fuller's views.
[p. 48]
If we eat not the book, before we deliver its contents to others, we may expect the Holy Spirit will not much accompany us. If we study the Scriptures as Christians, the more familiar we are with them, the more we shall feel their importance; but, if otherwise, our familiarity with the word will be like that of soldiers and doctors with death - it will wear away all sense of its importance from our minds. To enforce this sentiment, Proverbs xxii. 17, 18 was referred to - 'Apply thine heart to knowledge - the words of the wise will be pleasant if thou keep them within thee; they shall withal be fitted in thy lips.' To this might be added Psalm i. 2, 3. Another reason was, Our want of being emptied of self-sufficiency. In proportion as we lean upon our own gifts, or parts, or preparations, we slight the Holy Spirit; and no wonder that, being grieved, he should leave us to do our work alone. Besides, when this is the case, it is, humanly speaking, unsafe for God to prosper us, especially those ministers who possess considerable abilities. Reference was also had to an ordination sermon lately preached by Mr. Booth of London, to Mr. Hopkins, Dr. Gifford's successor, from 'Take heed to thyself.'8 Oh that I may remember these hints for my good!
"Oct. 3. - Preached at Corby with much tenderness; felt some encouragement on hearing of one person to whose conversion it is hoped my ministry has been made instrumental.
"7. - Some tremor of mind in hearing that Dr. W.'s book is in the press. What I fear is lest his manner of writing should be provoking, and lest I should fall into an unchristian spirit.
"9. - A miserable afternoon. After service I was told of a young man, to whom I had been made useful about two years ago, having a desire to join the church. I have for some time felt a kind of despair in preaching to sinners; thinking that, on account of my being so carnally-minded, God would never bless any thing I said. This instance, and that of last Wednesday, seem to afford some encouragement, and to make me think that it is possible, however, for God to work even by me! and that when I think nothing can be done, then it is possible for God to work. I have long sown in tears: oh that I might, in some degree at least, reap in joy! Preached at night with an unusual affection of heart, and sense of everlasting things, from Job xvi. 22, 'When a few years are come,' &c.
"30. - After baptizing several persons, preached on the fellowship of Christians affording joy to ministers, from Philippians i. 3-5.
"Nov. 21. - For above a fortnight past have been chiefly out on journeys. At Bedford, saw Mr.___, of ___; glad to see his spirit softened, and his prejudices, I hope, giving way. Much grieved to find the spirits of people about the neighbourhood of G ___ hurt by controversy. I find there are several whose conversation almost entirely, and on all occasions, turns on these subjects. It seems to be one of Satan's devices, in order to destroy the good tendency of any truth, to get its advocates to hackney it out of its senses, dwelling upon it in every sermon or conversation, to the exclusion of other things. Thus the glorious doctrines of free and great grace have been served in the last age, and so have fallen sadly into disrepute. If we employ all our time in talking about what men ought to be and to do, it is likely we shall forget to put it into practice, and then all is over with us.
-----------------------------
8 Afterwards published and very extensively circulated, under the title of "Pastoral Cautions." No sermon was ever more adapted to promote the welfare of young ministers. - B.
[p. 49]
"Dec. 7. - This week received a treatise written by Mr. Button in answer to mine. There seems to be an abundance of things in it very foreign from the point, and very little evidence.
"16. - Set off for home with my little girl, who has been ill at Northampton. My heart greatly misgives me. If God should take either of my children from me, I seem as if I could scarcely sustain it. On this account I have many fears. Oh, I could give up their bodies, but I want to see piety reigning in their souls, before they go hence and are no more seen. I tried, as I rode home, to converse with my child, and to instil religious principles into her mind. Oh that God would bless my endeavours to that end!
"18. - To-day I had a very tender forenoon, in preaching from Jeremiah 1. 4, 5. Oh how my heart went forth in desire after the salvation of souls, for some of the greatest of sinners; particularly for a poor wretched young woman, the daughter of one of our members. She had been, through her own wicked conduct, kept away from public worship for a year past. I lately heard that she was in a state of despair, and had resolved never to come to meeting again. But this morning she appeared in the meeting. The sight of her much affected me, and was the means of a very tender forenoon. In the afternoon, I preached on the great things of God's law being counted as strange things; but, alas! my heart seems as strange and as alien from the spirit of true religion as any thing I can talk about! Oh what a poor mutable creature am I! Somewhat revived to-night in hearing more about a Mrs. D. I hope she is a godly woman. I find she had a daughter who died about twelve months ago, and who gave strong evidence of her piety while her father and mother were in ignorance. The mother now says that she believes the means of her daughter's conversion was her attending on a child's burial, with some other children, and hearing me speak to the young people present on that occasion. It seems a strange thing that God should do any thing by me!
"1786, Jan. 1. - Some painful reflections in thinking on my vast deficiencies. Another year is gone, and what have I done for God? Oh that my life were more devoted to God! I feel as if I could wish to set out afresh for heaven, but, alas! my desires seem but too much like those of the sluggard.
"8. - Very earnest this morning in public prayer. Oh that God may work on the minds of our youth and children! I hope there is somewhat of a work of God going on amongst us. I have been visited by a young man who gives very promising evidence of being a subject of true religion, so far as can be judged by a conversation. Also a young woman has been with me who appears to be very tenderhearted, meek, and lowly in mind. Exceedingly distressed on Wednesday night. I fear God will take away my child. I have reason to fear some awful chastisement is at hand, either spiritual or temporal. Methought I was like the Israelites, who had little or no heart to call upon God except in times of trouble. I tried, however, to pray to him now. I think I could willingly submit to God in all things, and bear whatever he should lay upon me, though it were the loss of one of the dear parts of myself, provided I could but see Christ formed in her. I know also that I have no demand on the Lord for this; but surely I ought to bless his name that he does not require me to be willing to be lost myself, or that this should be the end of any whom he has put under my care. The chief exercise of my mind this week has been respecting my poor child. Methought I felt some resignation to Divine Providence. 'The Lord liveth, and blessed be my rock.'
"19. - I hear that a piece is coming out, against what I have written, on the
[p. 50]
Arminian side. I have no fears as to the cause itself, but many as to my capacity to defend it.
"20. - Had some very affecting conversation with Miss M. W. I feel reluctant in being obliged to attend to controversy. My heart seems to delight in my work, and I hope the Lord, in some measure, is owning it.
"This week I received Dr. Withers's treatise against what I have written. What horrid sentiments does he advance!
"Feb. 5. - Our dear little girl has this week much alarmed our fears. On Thursday morning the measles came out: we hope the illness may be carried off hereby. As I sat by her that morning alone, she requested me to pray with her, saying, though she was greatly afflicted with pain, yet she would try to lie still. I did so, and found some tenderness of heart on her behalf. My mind is generally much engaged now in perusing the treatises which are published against what I have written. This morning I received another, written by Mr. Dan Taylor.
"6. Monday. - I read the above piece. The author discovers an amiable spirit, and there is a good deal of plausibility in some things that he advances. My mind has been much employed all the week on this piece. The more I examine it, the more I perceive that it is open to a solid and effective reply.
"10. - Some edifying conversation this morning with Mr. Jones, a clergyman lately come to Creaton. 9
"12. - Great are the mercies of the Lord towards us, who has now given me another daughter. Mercy and judgment both visit us. Now my fears chiefly turn on the child that is afflicted.
"19. - My sabbaths, I fear, are spent to little purpose, I have so little love to God and the souls of men; but I felt much impressed to-night in catechising the children. I thought and spoke to them about my own dear little girl.
"26. - Except Thursday, all this week has been miserably spent! I sin against God repeatedly, and yet remain wretchedly insensible. I tremble at myself, and have reason to do so much more.
"April 16. - For this month past I have had great exercise of heart, on account of my poor little daughter. Sometimes pleading hard with God on her account; at other times ready to despair, fearing God would never hear me.
"Lord's day, March 19, was a distressing day to me. My concern for the loss of her body is but trifling, compared with that of her soul. I preached and prayed much, from Matt. xv. 25, 'Lord, help me!' on Monday I carried her towards Northampton; was exceedingly distressed that night; went to prayer with a heart almost broken. Some encouragement from conversation with dear brother Ryland. I observed that 'God had not bound himself to hear the prayers of any one for the salvation of the soul of another.' He replied, 'But if he has not, yet he frequently does so; and hence, perhaps, though grace does not run in the blood, yet we frequently see it runs in the line. Many more of the children of God's children are gracious than of others.' I know neither I nor mine have any claim upon the Almighty for mercy; but as long as there is life, it shall be my business to implore his mercy towards her.
"Methought I saw, on Tuesday, (21,) the vanity of all created good. I saw,
-----------------------------
9 This eminently excellent Episcopal clergyman remained for nearly fifty years to labour in this interesting village. As might have been expected, however, very many who were brought to the knowledge of the truth by his ministry became Dissenters, and not a few of them Baptists. Several congregations in that neighbourhood were thus founded by him, so that he had used pleasantly to say that he had successive swarms and casts among his bees, who seemed to acquire the habit of carrying their honey to other hives. - B.
[p. 51]
if God were to cut off my poor child, and not to afford me some extraordinary support under the stroke, that I should be next to dead to the whole creation, and all creation dead to me! Oh that I were but thus dead, as Paul was, by the cross of Christ
"On the 27th, riding towards Northampton, I think I felt greater earnestness and freedom with God than I ever had before in this matter. I seemed likewise more willing to leave her in the hands of God. Some tender opportunities in prayer with her and for her. I now feel more of an habitual resignation to God. If I could take the reins into my own hand, I would not. I feel a satisfaction that my times, and the times of all that pertain to me, are in the Lord's hands. This also I have felt all along, never to desire the life of the child, unless it be for her present and eternal good. Unless she should live to the Lord, I had rather, if it please God, she might not live at all.
"To-day I felt some encouragement in my work from hearing of a young man hopefully converted in hearing me preach.
"My time and attention are now much taken up with my poor little girl, particularly on the 28th. Exceedingly affected and importunate with God in prayer for her. I felt, indeed, the force of those words, 'To whom shall we go? thou hast the words of eternal life.' Oh of what worth to an immortal creature, subject to eternal death! My heart seemed to be dissolved in earnest cries for mercy.
"May 7. - I was tolerably supported under the approaching death of my poor child, which I saw drawing on apace. I saw I must shortly let her fall. With floods of tears, with all the bitterness of an afflicted father mourning for his first-born, I committed her to God, to his everlasting arms, when she should fall from mine.
"21. - Death! Death is all around me! My friends die. Three I have buried within a fortnight, and another I shall have to bury soon! Death and judgment are all I can think about! At times I feel reconciled to whatever may befall me. I am not without good hopes of the child's piety, and as to her life, desirable as it is, the will of the Lord be done.
"30. - But at other times I am distressed beyond due bounds. On the 25th, in particular, my distress seemed beyond all measure. I lay before the Lord, weeping like David, and refusing to be comforted. This brought on, I have reason to think, a bilious cholic; a painful affliction it was, and the more so as it prevented my ever seeing my child alive again! Yes, she is gone! On Tuesday morning, May 30, as I lay ill in bed in another room, I heard a whispering. I inquired, and all were silent . . . all were silent! . . . but all is well. I feel reconciled to God! I called my family round my bed. I sat up, and prayed as well as I could; I bowed my head and worshiped, and blessed a taking as well as a giving God.
"June 1. - I just made a shift to get up to-day, and attend the funeral of my poor child. My dear brother Ryland preached on the occasion, from 2 Kings iv. 26, - 'It is well.' I feel, in general now, a degree of calm resignation. I think there is solid reason to hope that she has not lived in vain; and if she is but reared for God, it matters not when she died. I feel a solid pleasure in reflecting on our own conduct in her education; we endeavoured to bring her up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord, and I trust our endeavours were not in vain. Her visit to Northampton, too, was blessed for her good; she has certainly discovered ever since great tenderness of conscience, and much of the fear of God; great regard for the worship of God, especially for the Lord's day;
[p. 52]
and great delight in reading, especially accounts of the conversion of some little children. But all is over now, and I am in a good degree satisfied.
"3. - To-day I felt a sort of triumph over death. I went and stood on her grave with a great deal of composure! Returned, and wrote some verses to her memory.
"4. - Had a good day in preaching on these light afflictions. My mind seems very calm and serene, in respect of the child; but, alas! I feel the insufficiency of trouble, however heavy, to destroy or mortify sin. I have had sad experience of my own depravity, even while under the very rod of God!10
"6. - Rode to Northampton, to our annual association. I am glad to find the state of the churches upon the whole encouraging. The next day I and Mr. Hopper and Mr. Sutcliff preached; but I wanted more spirituality.
"8. - We had a very affecting time in communicating experiences. For my part, I fear something more awful than the death of the child awaits me. Though I have been in the fire, yet my dross is not removed; nay, it seems to be increased. My family is afflicted nearly throughout! 'For all this his anger is not turned away, but his hand is stretched out still.'
--------------------------------
10 A narrative of this interesting child was written by her father, but as it contains little more than a detail of the events which are recorded in a more impressive form in the above diary, it will only be necessary to give the following extract: "At the time of her birth I committed her to God, as I trust I have done many times since. Once in particular viewing her as she lay smiling in the cradle, at the age of eight months, my heart was much affected; I took her up in my arms, retired, and in that position wrestled hard with God for a blessing; at the same time offering her up as it were and solemnly presenting her to the Lord for acceptance. In this exercise I was greatly encouraged by the conduct of Christ towards those who brought little children in their arms to him for his blessing." Speaking of her residence a short time at Northampton, he adds, - "During this fortnight I went two or three times to see her; and one evening, being with her alone, she asked me to pray for her. 'What do you wish me to pray for, my dear?' said I. She answered, 'That God would bless me, and keep me, and save my soul.' 'Do you think, then, that you are a sinner?' 'Yes, father.' Fearing lest she did not understand what she said, I asked her, 'What is sin, my child?' She answered, 'Telling a story.' I comprehended this, and it went to my heart. 'What, then,' I said, 'you remember, do you, my having corrected you once for telling a story?' 'Yes, father.' 'And are you grieved for having so offended God?' 'Yes, father.' I asked her if she did not try to pray herself. She answered, 'I sometimes try, but I do not know how to pray; I wish you would pray for me, till I can pray for myself.' As I continued to sit by her, she appeared much dejected. I asked her the reason. She said, 'I am afraid I should go to hell.' 'My dear,' said I, 'who told you so?' 'Nobody,' said she, 'but I know if I do not pray to the Lord, I must go to hell.' I then went to prayer with her, with many tears.
"She was accustomed to pray over the hymn which Mr. Ryland composed for her. [The well-known hymn - "Lord teach a little child to pray," &c.] I used to carry her in my arms into the fields, and there talk with her upon the desirableness of dying and being with Christ, and with holy men and women, and with those holy children who cried, Hosanna to the Son of David. Thus I tried to reconcile her, and myself with her, to death, without directly telling her she would soon die. One day, as she lay in bed, I read to her the last eight verses of Revelation vii., 'They shall hunger no more, nor thirst, &c.' I said nothing upon it, but wished to observe what effect the passage might have upon her; I should not have wondered if she had been a little cheered by it. She said nothing, however, but looked very dejected. I said, 'My dear, you are unhappy.' She was silent. I urged her to tell me what was the matter. Still she was silent. I then asked her whether she was afraid she should not go to that blessed world of which I had been reading? She answered, 'Yes.' - 'But what makes you afraid, my dear?' - 'Because (said she, with a tone of grief that pierced me to the heart) I have sinned against the Lord.' 'True, my dear, (said I,) you have sinned against the Lord; but the Lord is more ready to forgive you, if you are grieved for offending him, than I can be to forgive you when you are grieved for offending me; and you know how ready I am to do that.' I then told her of the great grace of God, and the love of Christ to sinners. I told her of his mercy in forgiving a poor wicked thief, who, when he was dying, prayed to him to save his soul. At this she seemed cheered, but said nothing.
"A few weeks before she died, she asked her aunt to read to her. 'What shall I read, my dear?' said her aunt. 'Read (said she) some book about Christ.' Her aunt read part of the twenty-first chapter of Matthew, concerning the children who shouted Hosanna to the Son of David." She died May 30, 1786, aged six years and a half.
[p. 53]
"11. Lord's day. - Had a good day, on the Lord's giving us peace by all means. I know not how I go on. On the Lord's days I am tender-hearted, and seem disposed to lie low before God, and to be more watchful and spiritual; but, alas, how soon do I forget God ! I have a fountain of poison in my very nature. Surely I am as a beast before thee! I have been preaching at Moulton and Hardingstone this week, and seemed to feel at both places; and yet I am far from a spiritual frame of mind. Had a pretty good day, in preaching from Jeremiah xxxi. 2, - 'The people that were left of the sword found grace in the wilderness.' I heard last week that Mr. Hall, of Arnsby, had been preaching from Prov. xxx. 2, - 'Surely I am more brutish than any man,' &c. I am sure that passage is more applicable to me than it can be to him; I therefore preached from it to-day. At night I preached a very searching discourse, from Lamentations iii. 40, chiefly for the purpose of self-conviction."
Several leaves are here wanting, which have been destroyed; nor is any further entry made for upwards of three years.11
------------------------------
11 The following letter, belonging to this chasm in Mr. Fuller's diary, will both show the state of his mind, and present a pleasing specimen of his correspondence with his brethren in the ministry. - B.
Kettering, July 13, 1788.
DEAR SIR, - When I was at your house you kindly requested a letter on my return. Excuse my not attending to your request before. I am slow at writing, not knowing how in general to write any thing to purpose. I shall always remember my visit to Horsley with pleasure. I wish, in some future time, not far hence, you might be able to say the same of Kettering.
Since I saw you we had two public meetings; one of which is our annual association. I think our churches have never been in so thriving a state, upon the whole, for several years. I have just received one of your Circular Letters; am glad to see things go on so well with you. Blessed be God for any appearances of Christ's kingdom being enlarged. My dear brother Ryland, jun., preached us a sermon at our association, from John iii. 30, "He must increase." The very mention of the words did my heart good. I hope I could rejoice if I were to sink into obscurity, like the Baptist, if by that means Christ's cause might but be enlarged. When I think what vast numbers are hastening the downward road; how few walk the narrow way; and, comparatively speaking, what little success attends our preaching, and what little ground Christ gets in the world, my heart fails and is discouraged. But it did my heart good last night to read Isaiah xlii. 4, "He shall not fail nor be discouraged till he hath set judgment on the earth!" I could not but reflect that Christ had infinitely more to discourage him than I can have to discourage me; and yet he persevered! But, methought, judgment is not yet set in the earth, except in a small degree. And what then? May I not take courage for that the promise has not yet spent its force? Christ has much more yet to do in the world; and, numerous as his enemies yet are, and few his friends, his heart does not fail him; nor shall it, till he has spread salvation throughout the earth, and leavened the whole lump!
Oh that my own soul was more leavened! My greatest difficulties arise from within. I am not what a servant of Christ should be. I want an unction from the Holy One. I have lately preached an ordination sermon or two, (that at Thorn, which is printed, for one,) in which I have endeavoured to come as home to the heart and conscience of my brethren as I knew how. But, oh, what shame covers my face when I turn my attention inward! I am the man who am too, too guilty of many of those things which I have cautioned them to avoid. I remember, in August last, when I came out of the pulpit in Carlton, in BBedfordshire, after preaching an ordination sermon to my brother West, from Ezra vii. 10, Mr. Pilley of Luton, a dear and faithful servant of Christ, in a tone of familiarity, thus accosted me: -- "Are not you ashamed of yourself? I am;" said he. "Yes," said I; "and so am I." I find a perpetual proneness to read and study rather as a minister than as a Christian; more to find out something to say to the people than to edify my own soul.
How great a matter is Christian perseverance, to hold out to the end, and be saved! I have sometimes wondered at the grace in that astonishing gradation, Jude 24. What "Him" must that be that is able to keep me from falling - and to present me - to present me faultless - faultless before the presence of his glory - and that with joy - yea, with exceeding joy! Excuse thus much about myself. Have you read my reply to Button and Taylor? [Rev. Dan Taylor, of London. - B.] If you have, let me have your free thoughts upon it. It is a matter beyond all doubt with me that Button's scheme is very unscriptural; and I am more and more convicned that Taylor's is the same. When I think of the tendency of his principes, and those of his (fn continued on next page.)
[p. 54]
The following short extracts from letters written to Dr. Ryland, during the illness of the child, will be read with interest: -
"I have, for a day or two past, been greatly afraid of her recovering just so much as to raise my expectations, so that I should have all the work to do over again. But perhaps that is best. If there is a need be for trials, then there is a need for such circumstances to attend the events which befall us as shall make them trials. And one of David's trials was, 'Thou hast lifted me up and cast me down.' I feel, however, how much I am indebted to mercy for many things which attend this affliction. I sometimes think how if my two other children should be left, and grow up wicked, and then be cut off like Eli's sons! Ah, in many of my prayers I know not what I ask. May God in mercy do that for me and those that pertain to me which is best! I feel a sweet satisfaction in the reins being in his hand, the government upon his shoulders. I have just now been preaching from Matthew xx. 20-24. I fear I am not yet able to drink the cup, and if not to drink the cup, perhaps I am less able to bear a deliverance from it.
"Yesterday my wife had pretty much talk with her, and seemed much satisfied of her piety, and resigned to her death. For my part, I feel very different at different times. But generally speaking, except when my feelings are attacked by the child's heavy afflictions, or any fresh symptom of death, I find a far greater degree of composure and resignation to God than ever I could have expected. I can easily see it may be best for us to part. I have been long praying, in I know not what manner, that I might be brought nearer to God; find some particular evils in my heart subdued; have my mind enlarged in experimental knowledge, and my heart more weaned from things below, and set on things above. Perhaps by 'terrible things in righteousness' God may answer these petitions. Oh that it may be so indeed! I feel, however, that it must be something more than affliction to effect that! I have long found, to my shame, that though drawing and living near to God are the happiest things in the world, yet such is the carnality of my heart, that I have long been in a habit of despairing of ever attaining them. I have often, of late, said of holiness what Solomon said of wisdom - 'I thought to be holy, but it was far from me.'
"Some time ago I spoke at a child's grave, and addressed the children. It appears that a little girl was wrought upon, who is since dead. At that time her father and mother were very ignorant. She talked much to them before her death. I hope the Lord has lately wrought upon her mother. She seems very tender-hearted, and in real earnest after the salvation of her soul. Her husband has opposed her coming to meeting, but in vain. He beat her, but to no purpose.
-------------------------------
(continuation of fn. 11.) party, I can scarcely forbear exclaiming, "Oh, my soul! come thou not into their secret!" They go from one thing to another, like a rolling stone upon a house roof. Whither is poor T - [*The reference here is to Mr. Taylor, the predecessor of the Rev. Samuel Pearce, of Cannon-street, Birmingham. He was originally a minister of the Wesleyan Methodist Body, and became a Calvinist and Baptist, and laboured for many years at Birmingham with success. He ultimately returned to the Methodists, among whom he died. - B.] of Birmingham going? At first he seemed as if he would be contented with Baxterianism, owning an election to everlasting life; and when I asked him, "Brother T ___, how came you to be a believer? he answered, seemingly without reserve, "I am sure if I am saved it must be by invincible grace." But now I find by his own hand-writing he believes in no election, unless it be a conditional one. And so it seems, it is we ourselves, after all, that turn the scale in matters of salvation! I have not yet seen your Socinian champion. My kind and Christian love to Mrs. Francis. It is with pleasure I recollect her free and Christian behaviour. My kind love also to any of your friends who may remember me. Accept the same to yourself. I hope this will find you better of your complants. If you see the gentleman with whom we dined at Yewelee, I think, (I forogt his name,) make my respects to him.I am, dear Sir, your affectionate brother,
A. Fuller.
B.
[p. 55]
He then despaired, and began to think her right and himself wrong. 'If it had not been of God,' said he, 'I had overcome it before now.' The man invited me to visit his wife. I went, expecting him to dispute with me, as he had threatened to stop me in the street for that purpose: accordingly I gave him an opportunity; but, says the poor man, 'I have done with that now, my chief concern is, What must I do to be saved?' I cannot tell how it may issue as to him; he comes sometimes to meeting, and sometimes goes to hear Mr. Lydiat, at Warkton. Last Tuesday I was visited by a lad, who has lately been observed to weep very much under the word. He appears to have every mark of true and deep contrition, and says a sermon I preached, two or three months ago, on sinners being under the curse of the Almighty, was first of use to him. The Lord carry on his work!
"Last night I preached a funeral sermon for one person, and buried two others within nine days. Can I be supposed to be otherwise than dejected? We attend all we can to our own health, but is it to be wondered at that we should be sensibly affected and very ill? To nurse a child with her afflictions is great work for the hands; but to nurse altogether without hope is far greater work for the heart. 'But the hope of a better world.' - True - and I never felt the worth of that consideration so much as now. Ten thousand worlds seem nothing in consideration of the hope of the gospel. Surely I know something more than I did of the meaning of 'Thanks be to God for his unspeakable gift!' and, 'Underneath are the everlasting arms!' - with many other passages. And yet, after all, oh what shall I say? I am not without hope - hope, as I said, with which I would not part for ten thousand worlds; but I have as well painful fears. My dear brother, the matter is of too great importance to be thought of lightly. However, the nearer I am to God, the better it is with me. I thought last night it was some relief that God had enjoined us to train up our children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Methought there was never a command but what had a promise connected with it; for God does not say to the seed of Jacob, Seek ye my face in vain. I also felt some satisfaction in reflecting on my conduct towards the child, and thought of the psalmist's words - 'Lord, I have hoped in thy salvation, and have done thy commandments.'
"I enjoy great satisfaction and pleasure whenever I think of her being at Northampton. If there is any change in her, I think your conversation, or the instructions she received at Northampton, were the means. Those few verses you wrote for her she will still repeat, though obliged to rest, for want of breath, between almost every word. She says, 'Mr. Ryland told me, when I had got them, he would make me some more,' and requested I would write to you for them."
Mr. Fuller thus resumes his diary: -
"October 3, 1789. - For above a year and a half I have written nothing. It has seemed to me that my life was not worth writing. Two or three years ago my heart began wretchedly to degenerate from God. Soon after my child Sally died, I sunk into a sad state of lukewarmness; and have felt the effects of it ever since. I feel at times a longing after the lost joys of God's salvation; but cannot recover them. I have backslidden from God; and yet I may rather be said to be habitually dejected on account of it than earnestly to repent of it. I find much hardness of heart, and a spirit of inactivity has laid hold of me. I feel that to be carnally-minded is death. My spiritual enemies have been too much for me. Some time ago I set apart a day for fasting and prayer, and
[p. 56]
seemed to get some strength in pleading with God. The very next day, as I remember, I found my heart so wandering from God, and such a load of guilt contracted, that I was affrighted at my own prayer the preceding day, lest it should have provoked the Lord to punish me, by leaving me so suddenly; and I have not set apart a day to fast and pray since. But surely this was one of Satan's devices, by which I have been imposed upon. Perhaps, also, I trusted too much to my fasting and praying, and did not, on that account, follow it with sufficient watchfulness.
"In the month of May I preached with some feeling from Job xxix. 2, 'Oh that it were with me as in months past,' &c! During this summer, I have sometimes thought what joy Christians might possess in this world, were they but to improve their opportunities and advantages. What grounds of joy does the gospel afford! What joy was possessed by the primitive Christians! I have preached two or three times upon these subjects. Once from John xv. 11, - 'These things have I spoken unto you, that my joy might remain in you, and that your joy might be full!' Another time from Nehemiah viii. 10, - 'The joy of the Lord is your strength.' And again, from Mark xi. 24, - 'Whatsoever things ye desire when ye pray, believe that ye shall receive them, and ye shall receive them:' in which the chief sentiment on which I insisted was, that confidence in God's goodness was necessary to our success in prayer. Another time I preached from 'Count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations.'
"These subjects have tended sometimes to make me long after that joy and peace in believing which I have heretofore found. But joy of heart is a feeling I cannot yet recover."
"January 20, 1790. - During the last quarter of a year I seem to have gained some ground in spiritual things. I have read some of Jonathan Edward's sermons, which have left a deep impression on my heart. I have attended more constantly than heretofore to private prayer, and feel a little renewed strength. Sometimes also I have been much affected in public prayer, particularly on Monday, January the 4th, at the monthly prayer-meeting. I felt much afraid lest some uncomfortable debates which we have had in the church, though now finished, should have grieved the Holy Spirit, and quenched our affection for each other, and so lest our spiritual welfare as a church should be essentially injured.
"Sometimes I have been discouraged, and afraid that God would never bless me again. In my preaching, though I am at times affected with what I say, yet, as to doing good to others, I go on as if I had no hope of it. Repeated disappointments, and long want of success, make me feel as if I were not to expect success.
"Last Friday evening I was affected with the subject of Divine withdrawment, and especially with the thought of being contented in such a state. If we lose our daily bread we cannot live; if we lose our health we are miserable; if we lose a dear friend we are the same: and can we lose the bread of life, the health of our souls, and the best friend of all, and be unconcerned? Last Lord's day I preached upon the desirableness of nearness to God, from Psalm xxvii. 9 - 'Hide not thy face from me; put not thy servant away in anger; thou hast been my help; leave me not, neither forsake me, O God of my salvation.'
"Feb. 16. - For these last three weeks I have too much again relapsed into a kind of thoughtlessness. I have felt a little in preaching, but not much. One day I was looking over Dr. Owen on the Mortification of Sin. Speaking of the evil of sin in the soul unmortified, he says, -- 'It will take away a man's usefulness in his generation. His works, his endeavours, his labours seldom
[p. 57]
receive a blessing from God. If he be a preacher, God commonly blows upon his ministry, so that he shall labour in the fire, and not be honoured with success.' This, in a great degree, is realized in me.
"March 27. - Some weeks ago I thought I felt myself to gain ground by closet prayer; but I have lately relapsed again too much into indifference. Yesterday I read Jonathan Edwards's two sermons On the Importance of a thorough Knowledge of Divine Truth, from Hebrews v. 12. I felt this effect, - a desire to rise earlier, to read more, and to make the discovery of truth more a business. This morning I have read another of his sermons, on God the Christian's Portion, from Psalm lxxiii. 25. The latter part comes very close, and I feel myself at a loss what to judge as to God's being my chief good. He asks, whether we had rather live in this world rich, and without God, or poor and with him? Perhaps I should not be so much at a loss to decide this question as another; namely, had I rather be rich in this world, and enjoy but little of God; or poor, and enjoy much of God? I am confident the practice of great numbers of professing Christians declares that they prefer the former; and in some instances I feel guilty of the same thing.
"In the course of this summer (1790) I have sometimes enjoyed a tenderness of heart in preaching. On June 27th, at the Lord's supper, I was affected with this subject, 'Do this in remembrance of me.' I was also greatly affected on Sept. 5, in preaching from Galatians vi. 7, 'Whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.' But yet in general I have but little of the joys of salvation. I do not feel tempted to evil as heretofore, but yet all is not right. 'Oh for a closer walk with God!'
"At the close of this year the review of my life afforded me neither pleasure nor what may be called pain; but rather a kind of discouragement too common of late with me.
"From last April I have been expounding the book of Psalms, and sometimes have enjoyed pleasure therein."
"1791. - In the spring of this year there appeared a religious concern among some of our young people. I proposed to meet them once a week at the vestry, to talk and pray with them. I hope this has been of use both to me and them. I find there are some hopeful appearances at Northampton. The Lord revive his own work.
"I feel some return of peace, but am not as I would be. Reading Owen on Spiritual-mindedness, I feel afraid lest all should not be right with me at last. What I have of spirituality, as I account it, seems rather occasional than habitual.
"Towards the latter end of this summer, I heard of some revival of religion about Walgrave and Guilsborough; and that the means of it were their setting apart days for fasting and prayer. Hence I thought we had been long praying for the revival of God's cause, and the spread of the gospel among the heathen, &c., and perhaps God would begin with us at home first. I was particularly affected with this thought, by finding it in the 67th Psalm, which I was expounding about the same time: Oh that God's being merciful to us, and blessing us, might be the means of his way being made known upon earth, and his saving health among all nations; at least among a part of them.
"Oh to be spiritually alive among ourselves! One Monday evening, I think in October, I told our friends of some such things, and prayed with them with more than usual affection. I was particularly encouraged by the promise of giving the Holy Spirit to them that ask. Surely if ever I wrestled with God
[p. 58]
in my life I did so then, for more grace, for forgiveness, for the restoration of the joys of salvation; and that not only for myself, but for the generality of Christians among us, whom I plainly perceived to be in a poor lukewarm state, when compared with the primitive Christians. I have lately been reading several Socinian writers; viz. Lindsey, Priestley, Belsham, &c., and have employed myself in penning down thoughts on the moral tendency of their system. I felt an increasing aversion to their views of things, and feel the ground on which my hopes are built more solid than heretofore.
"The 27th of December I set apart for fasting and prayer. I felt tender in the course of the day. Thought with some encouragement of Psalm cxix. 176, 'I have gone astray like a lost sheep; seek thy servant, for I do not forget thy commandments.' I employed a considerable part of the day in reading over Owen on the Mortification of Sin. A review of the past year, and of several past years, tended to humble me.
"I felt tender on Friday evening, Dec. 30, in addressing my friends from Psalm xc. 14, on the mercy of God as the origin of all solid joy."
"1792. - This year was begun, or nearly so, with a day of solemn fasting and prayer, kept by us as a church. It was a most affecting time with me and many more. Surely we never had such a spirit of prayer amongst us!
"On the 2d of April we lost our dear and worthy deacon, Mr. Beeby Wallis. 12 The next church meeting was kept as a day of solemn fasting and prayer, and a very tender occasion it was. During this and the last year we have had a good deal of religious concern among the young people of the congregation. I set up a private meeting in which I might read and pray and converse with them, and have found it good both to them and me. This spring several of them joined the church.
"June 1. - I seem to have trials before me in the afflictions of my family. It has of late been a thought which has much affected me, that our conduct in this world under the various afflictions and temptations of life is the seed of eternity! Have dwelt upon these thoughts in preaching from Matthew vi. 19, 20.
"It was a thought, likewise, which lately struck me, that we have no more religion than what we have in times of trial. On this subject I preached from Exodus xvi. 4. It seems as if these things were preparative to a time of trial to me.
"July 10. - My family afflictions have almost overwhelmed me, and what is yet before me I know not? For about a month past the affliction of my dear companion has been. extremely heavy. On reading the fourth chapter of Job this morning, the 3d, 4th, and 5th verses affected me. - 'My words have upholden many. Oh that now I am touched I may not faint!'
-------------------------------
12 Some interesting particulars of this excellent man will be found in a funeral sermon, entitled "the Blessedness of the dead, who die in the Lord," in this volume [Complete Works], Sermon IV.
The following inscription, by Mr. Fuller, was placed on his tomb, which stands under a sycamore, planted by his own hand: -
Kind sycamore, preserve beneath thy shade
The precious dust of him who cherished thee;
Nor thee alond; a plant to him more dear
He cherished, and with fostering hand upreared.
Active and generous in virture's cause,
With solid wisdom, strict integrity,
And unaffected piety, he lived
Beloved amongst us, and beloved he died.
Beneath an Allon-bachuth Jacob wept;
Beneath thy shade we mourn a heavier loss.
It ought to be recorded, that in the parlour of this gentleman's house, exactly six months after his death, was formed the Baaptist Missionary Society, to which his excellent widow was a warm friend to the day of her death. - B.
[p. 59]
"25. - O my God, my soul is cast down within me! The afflictions in my family seem too heavy for me. O Lord, I am oppressed, undertake for me! My thoughts are broken off, and all my prospects seem to be perished! I feel, however, some support from such scriptures as these: 'All things work together for good,' &c. - 'God, even our own God, shall bless us.' - 'It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed.' One of my friends observed, yesterday, that it was difficult in many cases to know wherefore God contended with us. But I thought that there was no difficulty of this kind with me. I have sinned against the Lord; and it is not a little affliction that will lay hold of me. Those words have impressed me of late: 'It was in my heart to chastise them.'
A record of the death of his amiable and pious wife forms the last entry in the diary for nearly two years. The following affecting letter to her father, Mr. Gardiner, furnishes the melancholy details of the concluding scene: -
Aug. 25, 1792
"DEAR AND HONOURED FATHER, -
"You have heard, I suppose, before now, that my dear companion is no more! For about three months back our afflictions have been extremely heavy. About the beginning of June she was seized with hysterical affections, which, for a time, deprived her of her senses. In about a week, however, she recovered them, and seemed better; but soon relapsed again; and during the months of July and August, a very few intervals excepted, her mind has been constantly deranged. In this unhappy state, her attention has generally been turned upon some one object of distress; sometimes that she had lost her children; sometimes that she should lose me. For one whole day she hung about my neck, weeping; for that I was going to die, and leave her! The next morning she still retained the same persuasion; but, instead of weeping for it, she rejoiced with exceeding joy. 'My husband,' said she, 'is going to heaven and all is well! - I shall be provided for,' &c. Sometimes we were her worst enemies, and must not come near her; at other times she would speak to me in the most endearing terms. Till very lately, she has been so desirous of my company, that it has been with much difficulty that I have stolen away from her about two hours in the twenty-four, that I might ride out in the air, my health having been considerably impaired. But lately her mind took another turn, which to me was very afflictive. It is true she never ceased to love her husband. 'I have had,' she would say, 'as tender a husband as ever woman had; but you are not my husband!' She seemed for the last month really to have considered me as an impostor, who had entered the house, and taken possession of the keys of every place, and of all that belonged to her and her husband. Poor soul! for the last month, as I said, this and other notions of the kind have rendered her more miserable than I am able to describe! She has been fully persuaded that she was not at home, but had wandered some where from it; had lost herself, and fallen among strangers. She constantly wanted to make her escape, on which account we were obliged to keep the doors locked, and to take away the keys. 'No,' she would say to me, with a countenance full of inexpressible anguish, 'this is not my home . . . you are not my husband . . . these are not my children. Once I had a good home . . . and a husband who loved me . . . and dear children . . . and kind friends . . . but where am I now? I am lost! I am ruined! What have I done? Oh! what have I done? Lord, have mercy upon me!' In this strain she would be frequently walking up and down, from room to room, bemoaning herself, without a tear to relieve her, wringing her hands, first looking upwards, then downwards, in all
[p. 60]
the attitudes of wild despair! You may form some conception what must have been my feelings, to have been a spectator of all this anguish, and at the same time incapable of affording her the smallest relief.
"Though she seemed not to know the children about her, yet she had a keen and lively remembrance of those that were taken away. One day, when I was gone out for the air, she went out of the house. The servant missing her, immediately followed, and found her in the grave-yard, looking at the graves of her children. She said nothing; but, with a bitterness of soul, pointed the servant's eyes to the wall, where the name of one of them, who was buried in 1783, was cut in the stone. Then turning to the graves of the other children, in an agony, she with her foot struck off the long grass, which had grown over the flat stones, and read the inscriptions with silent anguish, alternately looking at the servant and at the stones.
"About a fortnight before her death, she had one of the happiest intervals of any during the affliction. She had been lamenting on account of this impostor that was come into her house, and would not give her the keys. She tried for two hours to obtain them by force, in which time she exhausted all her own strength, and almost mine. Not being able to obtain her point, as I was necessarily obliged to resist her in this matter, she sat down and wept - threatening me that God would surely judge me for treating a poor helpless creature in such a manner! I also was overcome with grief: I wept with her. The sight of my tears seemed to awaken her recollection. With her eyes fixed upon me, she said . . . 'Why, are you indeed my husband?' 'Indeed, my dear, I am!' - 'O! if I thought you were, I could give you a thousand kisses!' 'Indeed, my dear, I am your own dear husband!' She then seated herself upon my knee, and kissed me several times. My heart dissolved with a mixture of grief and joy. Her senses were restored, and she talked as rationally as ever. I then persuaded her to go to rest, and she slept well.
"About two in the morning she awoke, and conversed with me as rationally as ever she did in her life: said her poor head had been disordered; that she had given me a great deal of trouble, and feared she had injured my health; begged I would excuse all her hard thoughts and speeches; and urged this as a consideration - 'Though I was set against you, yet I was not set against you as my husband.' She desired I would ride out every day for the air; gave directions to the servant about her family; told her where this and that article were to be found, which she wanted; inquired after various family concerns, and how they had been conducted since she had been ill: and thus we continued talking together till morning.
"She continued much the same all the forenoon; was delighted with the conversation of Robert, whose heart also was delighted, as he said, to see his mother so well. 'Robert,' said she, 'we shall not live together much longer.' - 'Yes, mother,' replied the child, 'I hope we shall live together for ever!' Joy sparkled in her eyes at this answer: she stroked his head, and exclaimed, 'O bless you, my dear! how came such a thought into your mind?'
"Towards noon she said to me, 'We will dine together to-day, my dear, up stairs.' We did so. But while we were at dinner, in a few minutes her senses were gone; nor did she ever recover them again. From this happy interval, however, I entertained hopes that her senses would return when she was delivered, and came to recover her strength.
"On Thursday, the 23d instant, she was delivered of a daughter; but was all the day very restless, full of pain and misery, no return of reason, except
[p. 61]
that from an aversion to me, which she had so long entertained, she called me 'my dear,' and twice kissed me; said she 'must die,' and 'let me die, my dear,' said she, 'let me die!' Between nine and ten o'clock, as there seemed no immediate sign of a change, and being very weary, I went to rest; but about eleven was called up again, just time enough to witness the convulsive pangs of death, which in about ten minutes carried her off.
"Poor soul! What she often said is now true. She was not at home; I am not her husband; these are not her children; but she has found her home; a home, a husband, and a family better than these! It is the cup which my Father hath given me to drink, and shall I not drink it? Amidst all my afflictions I have much to be thankful for. I have reason to be thankful, that though her intellects were so deranged, yet she never uttered any ill language, nor was ever disposed to do mischief to herself or others; and when she was at the worst, if I fell on my knees to prayer, she would instantly be still and attentive. I have also to be thankful, that though she has been generally afraid of death all her lifetime, yet that fear has been remarkably removed for the last half year. While she retained her reason, she would sometimes express a willingness to live or to die, as it might please God; and about five or six weeks ago would now and then possess a short interval in which she would converse freely. One of our friends, who staid at home with her on Lord's days, says that her conversation at those times would often turn on the poor and imperfect manner in which she had served the Lord, her desires to serve him better, her grief to think she had so much and so often sinned against him. On one of these occasions, she was wonderfully filled with joy on overhearing the congregation while they were singing over the chorus, 'Glory, honour, praise, and power,' &c. She seemed to catch the sacred spirit of the song.
"I mean to erect a stone to her memory, on which will probably be engraved the following lines:
The tender parent wails no more her loss,
Nor labours more beneath life's heavy load;
The anxious soul, released from fears and woes,
Has found her home, her children, and her God.
"To all this I may add, that, perhaps, I have reason to be thankful for her removal: however the dissolution of such a union may affect my present feelings, it may be one of the greatest mercies both to her and me. Had she continued, and continued in the same state of mind, which was not at all improbable, this, to all appearance, would have been a thousand times worse than death.
"The poor little infant is yet alive, and we call her name Bathoni: the same name, except the difference of sex, which Rachel gave to her last-born child. [Genesis xxxv.16-18.] Mr. West preached a funeral sermon last night, at the interment, from 2 Corinthians v. 1."
Several months afterwards, Mr. Fuller composed the following plaintive lines, during a solitary ride through Corby woods:
"I, who erewhile was blessed with social joys,
With joys that sweetened all the ills of life,
And shed a cheerful light on all things round,
Now mourn my days in pensive solitude.
There once did live a heart that cared for me;
[p. 62]I loved, and was again beloved in turn;
Her tender soul would soothe my rising griefs,
And wipe my tears, and mix them with her own
But she is not; and I forlorn am left,
To weep unheeded, and to serve alone."I roam amidst the dreary woods. - Here once
I walked with her who walks no more with me.
The fragrant forest then with pleasure smiled,
Why wears it now a melancholy hue?
Ah me! nor woods, nor fields, nor aught besides,
Can grateful prove where grief corrodes the heart!"God of my life, and guide of all my years,
May I again to thee my soul commend,
And in thee find a Friend to share my griefs,
And give me counsel in each doubtful path,
And lead me on through every maze of life.
Till I arrive where sighs no more are heard!"
=================[From Joseph Belcher, editor, The Complete Works of Andrew Fuller, Volume I, 1845, rpt. 1988; pp. 34-62. Document provided by David Oldfield, Post Falls, ID. Scanned and formatted by Jim Duvall.]
More on Andrew Fuller
Baptist History Homepage