Andrew Fuller
Section II. - 1777 TO 1783
CHANGE IN HIS MANNER OF PREACHING - ALIENATION OF SOME OF HIS HEARERS - EMBARRASSMENT IN HIS TEMPORAL CIRCUMSTANCES - DISTRESSING AGITATION OF MIND IN THE PROSPECT OF LEAVING SOHAM - EXTRACTS FROM HIS DIARY - LETTERS TO MR. WALLIS - REMOVAL TO KETTERING - MUTUAL TESTIMONIES TO AND FROM THE CHURCH AT SOHAM - STATEMENT AT HIS ORDINATION
MR. FULLER'S strain of preaching, which at first nearly corresponded with the views which he had early imbibed, soon underwent a change of a most important and valuable character; for although, as he himself tells us in relation to a kindred subject, "he made a point of not introducing the question in the pulpit till his judgment was fixed," he was not the man to reserve a store of speculative sentiments at variance with the character of his public ministrations.Though he was not without cheering instances of success, it was no matter of surprise that many, especially those whose lethargy was disturbed by the searching and practical character which his ministry had now begun to assume, should express their dissatisfaction in a manner that served to depress a mind naturally susceptible of the tenderest emotions, and the earliest religious sensibilities of which had grown up among them. The increased disposition among the inhabitants of the town to attend his ministry was not met by a corresponding concern on the part of the church to afford them the accommodation which their place of worship would not supply; though an increase in their rent, at that time, furnished an inducement to some effort for securing it in another direction. [p. 19]
To these causes of unhappiness was added the extreme depression of his temporal circumstances his whole yearly income from the people having never exceeded thirteen pounds, and his attempts to derive support, first from a small shop, and then from a school, both proving unsuccessful; so that, notwithstanding all his exertions, he could not prevent an annual inroad upon his little property, most distressing to himself and ruinous to the future prospects of a rising family. Under such complicated trials his health suffered a shock from which he with difficulty recovered. He was, however, destined by the providence of God yet to undergo an ordeal not less trying to his physical powers than to his religious principles. With him the question of leaving a station which he thought the providence of God had assigned him, in which he had experienced tokens of Divine approbation, and which was especially endeared to him by early associations, was not very easily disposed of. It has been thought, and perhaps not without reason, that he carried his conscientious scruples on this point to an unjustifiable extent. Be that as it may, this important era of his life is allowed on all hands to have elicited two features the most characteristic and the most godlike; it is difficult to say whether his integrity or his love was the more conspicuous, whether his conscience or his feelings appeared the more exquisitely tender. "Men who fear not God," observes the late excellent Dr. Ryland, "would risk the welfare of a nation with fewer searchings of heart than it cost him to determine whether he should leave a little dissenting church, scarcely containing forty members besides himself and his wife." That distressing and protracted hesitation, which enslaved a mind afterwards distinguished for a promptitude and decision equal to the most varied and complicated difficulties, marks an important peculiarity in the present case. Here he feared "lest haply he should be found even to fight against God:" there, satisfied that God was on his side, it was utterly beyond the compass of human power to baffle or daunt him. A selection from his diary, kept during the last two years of his residence at Soham, while it furnishes a history of the progress of events, will exhibit the exercises of his mind on this subject, as well as others relative to his experience and the discharge of his pastoral functions; and as it is not so much the object of this memoir to hasten through the narrative of events as to convey a correct portraiture of the subject of it during their progress, no apology is deemed necessary for the miscellaneous character of these extracts.
"1780, Jan. 10. - A solemn vow or renewal of covenant with God."O my God, (let not the Lord be angry with his servant for thus speaking,) I have, thou knowest, heretofore sought thy truth. I have earnestly entreated thee that thou wouldest lead me into it; that I might be rooted, established, and built up in it, as it is in Jesus. I have seen the truth of that saying - 'It is a good thing to have the heart established with grace;' and now I would this day solemnly renew my prayer to thee, and also enter afresh into covenant with thee.
"O Lord God! I find myself in a world where thousands profess thy name; some are preaching, some writing, some talking about religion. All profess to be searching after truth; to have Christ and the inspired writers on their side. I am afraid lest I should be turned aside from the simplicity of the gospel. I feel my understanding full of darkness, my reason exceedingly imperfect, my will ready to start aside, and my passions strangely volatile. O illumine mine understanding, 'teach my reason reason,' my will rectitude, and let every faculty of which I am possessed be kept within the bounds of thy service.
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"O let not the sleight of wicked men, who lie in wait to deceive, nor even the pious character of good men, (who yet may be under great mistakes;) draw me aside. Nor do thou suffer my own fancy to misguide me. Lord, thou hast given me a determination to take up no principle at second-hand; but to search for every thing at the pure fountain of thy word. Yet, Lord, I am afraid, seeing I am as liable to err as other men, lest I should be led aside from truth by mine own imagination. Hast thou not promised, 'The meek thou wilt guide in judgment, and the meek thou wilt teach thy way?' Lord, thou knowest, at this time, my heart is not haughty, nor are mine eyes lofty. O 'guide me by thy counsel, and afterwards receive me to glory.'"One thing in particular I would pray for; namely, that I may not only be kept from erroneous principles, but may so love the truth as never to keep it back. O Lord, never let me, under the specious pretence of preaching holiness, neglect to promulge the truths of thy word; for this day I see, and have all along found, that holy practice has a necessary dependence on sacred principle. O Lord, if thou wilt open mine eyes to behold the wonders of thy word, and give me to feel their transforming tendency, then shall the Lord be my God; then let my tongue cleave to the roof of my mouth, if I shun to declare, to the best of my knowledge, the whole counsel of God.
"June 14. - Went out to visit some fallen brethren. Convinced that no art was necessary in religion, resolved to proceed with all plainness and openness. Did so; and hope for good effects. Left each party with weeping eyes. But oh how liable to sin myself!
"17. - I think I have seen one thing to-day - that speaking ostentatiously of any thing laudable in ourselves is the way to mar all the peace or pleasure that we enjoy in it. I think I see that this is a sin which easily besets me, and which needs being guarded against.
"21. - What I have the powers of grace and sin concluded a truce? I feel to-day as if both lay nearly still, as if I were strangely destitute of all thought; devoid of pleasure, carnal or spiritual; of sorrow, whether godly or worldly.
"24. - I see what a strait course it is to steer between legality and libertinism. I have been for some time trying to walk more closely with God; and now I find the sparks of self-righteous pride begin to kindle - yet I think I have tasted a sweetness in that plan of redemption which stains the pride of all flesh.
"28. - Have found my heart tenderly affected several times, especially to-night, in prayer respecting my critical situation. O providence, how intricate! If rough roads are marked out for me, may my 'shoes be iron and brass.' I found a peculiar sympathy towards poor people under trying providences, thinking I may have to go that road.
"29. - It is good to visit the poor, that we may know their cases, exercise sympathy and charity towards them, and learn gratitude and many a lesson in the doctrine of providence. Oh what a horrid depth of pride and hypocrisy do I find in my heart! Surely I am unfit for any company. If I am with a superior, how will my heart court his praise, by speaking diminutively of myself, not forgetting to urge the disadvantages under which I have laboured to excuse my inferiority; and here is a large vacancy left, in hope he will fill it up with something like this: Well, you must have made good improvement of what advantages you have enjoyed! On the other hand, when in company with an inferior, how full of self am I! While I seem to be instructing him, by communicating my observations, how prone to lose sight of his edification, and every
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thing but my own self-importance - aiming more to discover my own knowledge than to increase his! While I make these observations I feel the truth of them. A thought has been suggested to write them, not as having been working in my heart today, but only as discovered to-day. O horridly deceitful and desperately wicked heart ! Surely I have little else in my religious exercises but these workings. I am afraid of being deceived at last. If I am saved, what must the Son of God have endured!"30. - Much affected to-day in thinking on my situation. I prayed to the Lord earnestly, that if there were any thing in his word which might direct me, he would lead my mind to it. Here I must wait. The Lord may have designed to lead me in a way that I have not known.
"July 1. - My soul has been dejected to-day in thinking on the plague of the human heart. Had a sweet time in prayer to-night. Through the glass of my depravity I see, oh I see, the preciousness of that blood which flowed on Calvary! Oh that the ideas I have had to-night were indelibly written on my heart! But, alas! one hour of sin will, I fear, efface them all.
"2. - Surely my views of myself, of Divine love, and of the blood of Christ, never were clearer, nor yielded one greater satisfaction, than last night and to-day. I retained the savour throughout this forenoon, though it seems abated this afternoon. Well, it has been a time of refreshment to my soul! But perhaps I may have somewhat at hand to balance it. Oh that I could retain the ideas I have had today! I thought God was such an infinitely lovely Being, that it was a great sin not to love him with our whole hearts. I thought one perpetual flame of supreme love was his natural due from every intelligent creature, and that the want of such love merits damnation. - And I am under peculiar obligations to love him.
"4. - Alas, how strange it is! Those things of which a day or two ago I could not think without a flood of tears I now feel make little impression on my mind; which seems in a sluggish, jaded, and almost sceptical frame. All, how soon are those ideas effaced! When shall my love be one eternal flame? I fear some trial is at hand. Oh may the Lord keep me.
"5. - I found some pleasure to-day in preaching from Hoshea xiii. 9, 'O Israel, thou hast destroyed thyself,' &c. I love to open the purity and extent of God's righteous law, and thereby the depravity of human nature. Here I see the greatness of grace.
"6. - Dull and unaffected. I sometimes feel a spirit of idle, sceptical despair; as if the difficulties that attend the finding out what is truth and duty were insurmountable. - O Lord, keep up in me a spirit of activity, and teach me to know and do thy will. May I know what is that good, perfect, and acceptable will of God.
"10. - I had an affecting time to-night, in going a road where, several years ago, I had many a season of sorrow and joy. Oh here I saw myself lost, there I had a sight of the Saviour; here I went bowed down with fear and despair, there I was sweetly checked with a view of the faithfulness of God; in this place I mourned my desolate state, in that the state of the church lay heavily upon me; yonder my hopes respecting the church were excited by thinking of Psal. cxxii. 1, 2. 8, 9. Oh what strange events since! By the help of God I have continued to this day. When my soul is cast down within me, may I remember thee, from Hermon, and Jordan, and the hill Mizar.
"12. - 'O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death?' O mine iniquity! Surely I had rather die than feel again what
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I have felt of the odious risings of this unholy heart. Oh the wormwood and the gall! Tremble, my soul, at the rising of that which has so often filled thy cup with bitterness; that which made thy Lord as it were shrink back from suffering. Oh may the remembrance of this make thee shrink back from sinning. Surely the renewal of a fresh conflict with old corruptions is not the trial I feared. Lead me not into temptation, but deliver me from evil, O Lord."15. - Alas! with what can I go forth tomorrow? My powers are all shackled, my thoughts contracted. Yesterday and this morning I seemed to feel some savour, but now all is gone; like the seed by the way-side, which the fowls of the air devoured.
"Bless the Lord! To-night I have felt a melting sense of the heinous nature of backsliding from the Lord, while thinking on Jeremiah ii. 5. 31-33. Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name; he maketh me to renew my strength like the eagle, dissolves my hardness, disappoints my fears, and touches my lips as with a live coal from his altar. Bless the Lord, O my soul.
"17. - O my dear brother Diver! When shall we recover our loss in losing you? What disorders have we now in the church! Our hands, heads, and hearts, how full! O my father, my father, the chariots of Israel, and the horsemen thereof! - Methinks I shall go all my days, at times, in the bitterness of my soul. - Ah! we took sweet counsel together, and walked together to the house of God - but all is over. As he said on his dying bed, 'I have done with that life.' - Alas, he has done his all with us.
"Ah, woe is me, I am a man of unclean lips, and dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips. My heart is ready to sink beneath its load. More bad conduct among my brethren. The Lord have mercy on them and me! Surely I labour in vain, and spend my strength for nought. All my warnings, instructions, reproofs, &c., whether in or out of the pulpit, seem to have no effect.
"18. - Great part of this day sadly mispent; but have had a sweet evening, in views of the latter-day glory, from reading Isaiah xi. xii. How dark the day in which I live! Watchman, what of the night? Watchman, what of the night?
"20. - O peace, thou inestimable jewel! The Lord grant I may never enter the polemical lists.
"21. - Dejected through worldly and church concerns, but had some relief to-night in casting all my care upon the Lord, hoping that he careth for me. The Lord undertake for me! O thou that managest worlds unknown, without one disappointment, take my case into thy hand, and fit me for thy pleasure. If poverty must be my portion, add thereto contentment.
"22. - Ah how heavily do I drag on without the Lord! I can neither think nor do any thing to purpose. Lord, help me. Sin, how deceitful! While we may obtain an apparent victory over one sin, we nay be insensibly enslaved to another: it may seem to flee before us, like the Benjamites before Israel, and yet retain an ambushment to fall upon our rear.
"27. - Oh what an ocean of impurity have I still in me! What vain desires lodge in my sinful heart! Rich must be the blood that can atone, infinitely efficacious the grace that can purify, and inconceivable the love that can remain without the shadow of turning amidst all this vileness. Oh, had every creature in heaven and earth joined in assuring me of God's love to me, I could never have believed it but for the assurances grounded on his own word.
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"29. - Surely I do not study the cases of the people enough in my preaching. I find by conversation to-day, with one seemingly in dying circumstances, that but little of my preaching has been suited to her case. Visiting the sick, and conversing sometimes even with the unconverted part of my hearers about their souls, and especially with the godly, would have a tendency to make my preaching more experimental."Am not I a fool and slow of heart to believe? Notwithstanding all the Scripture says of my impotency, all the experience I have had of it, and all my settled and avowed principles, how hard is it for me to believe that I am nothing! Ah! can I live near to God, set or keep the springs of godliness a-going in my soul, or investigate the things of God to any purpose? No, I cannot: 'When I am weak, then (and then only) am I strong!'
"Aug. 6, Lord's day. - Alas! how disconsolate this morning! What a fool am I to lay God under a necessity (if I may use such an expression) of leaving me to myself to let me and others see that I am nothing!
"30. - I found my soul drawn out in love to poor souls while reading Millar's account of Elliott's labours among the North American Indians, and their effect on those poor barbarous savages. I found also a suspicion that we shackle ourselves too much in our addresses; that we have bewildered and lost ourselves by taking the decrees of God as rules of action. Surely Peter and Paul never felt such scruples in their addresses as we do. They addressed their hearers as men - fallen men; as we should warn and admonish persons who were blind and on the brink of some dreadful precipice. Their work seemed plain before them. Oh that mine might be so before me!
"Sept. 5. - I longed in prayer to-night to be more useful. Oh that God would do somewhat by me! Nor is this I trust from ambition, but from a pure desire of working for God, and the benefit of my fellow sinners.
"10. - Earnest in prayer with God this afternoon. Humbled for our little love; yet found such desire that, could I obtain my wish, the brightest seraph should not outvie me in love to my Lord. I saw plainly that my salvation must be from first to last of free grace.
"12. - Very much in doubt respecting my being in a state of grace. I cannot see that I have, or ever had, for any constancy, such an idea of myself as must be implied in true humility. The Lord have mercy upon me; for I know not how it is with me. One thing I know, that if I be a Christian at all, real Christianity in me is inexpressibly small in degree. Oh what a vast distance is there between what I ought to be and what I am! If I am a saint at all, I know I am one of the least of all saints: I mean, that the workings of real grace in my soul are so feeble that I hardly think they can be feebler in any true Christian.
"There is not only an inexpressible distance between what I ought to be and what I am, but between what primitive believers, yea, the Scripture saints in all ages, seem to have been, and what I am. I think, of late, I cannot in prayer consider myself as a Christian, but as a sinner casting myself at Christ's feet for mercy.
"22. - I was somewhat moved this morning, in thinking of the mercy of God, how it was a hedge about us, preserving us from the ravages of the very beasts and birds, nay, from the very stones. The whole creation groans and suffers through us, and would retaliate the injuries we have done them, were not a covenant made on our behalf with them. See Hoshea ii. 18; Job v. 13."
"23. - After recording a season of mental darkness, he adds - "O blessed be
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God, he has appeared once again. To-night, while I prayed to him, how sweet has Colossians i. 19 been to me. That which has pleased the Father pleases me. I am glad all fulness dwells in him. It is not fit it should dwell in me, nor that I should have the keeping of my own stock. Oh for some heavenly clue to guide me to the fulness of Christ!"Oct. 24. - Observed our proneness to think of ourselves as others speak of us. For example, If I am praised at any particular place as a preacher, how prone am I at that place to keep pace with their esteem, if not to outgo it, in the estimation of myself! On the other hand, at places where I have felt myself embarrassed, how prone to despair, and to take no delight in the work! Oh how much of self have I in me! how far from that excellent character of being dead to the smiles and the frowns of men!
"27. - My heart often aches in thinking of my situation. Lord, what is duty? 'Oh that my ways were directed to keep thy statutes!'
"30. - Had some view to-night of the hardships of poverty. What mercies do I enjoy, yet how ungrateful am I! What a world of self-sufficiency is there in our hearts! Whence springs our desire of riches, dominion, &c., but from an idea of our sufficiency to manage each as we ought! at least this is implied in those desires. Were we truly emptied of self-sufficiency, we should be, like Agur, afraid of these.
"Nov. 4. - How apt are we to think ourselves rather pitiable than blamable for having such remains of corruption in us! Perhaps one cause of this may be our viewing sin in us as an army, or something we have to oppose and press through. These ideas are good, provided we remember that they are figurative, and that this army is nothing external, but internal; and that the opposition is not like that wherein the combatant's inclination is all one way, but he finds himself overcome wholly against his will: were this the case, we should be wholly pitiable. But it is as if a debtor were going to pay his creditor; but by the way found great struggles whether he should go forward, and behave like an honest man, or whether he should turn aside, and spend his money in riot and luxury. In this case, he certainly ought to have had no struggle, nor to have made a moment's scruple. Neither ought we to make a moment's scruple about loving the Lord with all our hearts, and refraining wholly from sinning against him. We may, indeed, be pitiable with respect to each other; but in the sight of God we are wholly blamable.
"A hard heart is a symptom of distance between God and us. As the Lord is nigh to those who are of a broken heart, so he is far from those who are of a hard heart.
"17-25. - Have been under very heavy affliction for above a week, and incapable of writing. One day I dreamed that I was dead: waking, and finding it but a dream, I trembled at the thought of what would become of such a sinful creature were this dream realized! Here I stopped - painfully stopped. At length I answered, Lord, I have hoped in thy salvation. Here I wept and thought I would hope still. Oh that it may not be in vain!
"28. - For some days past, have been tenderly concerned about my situation. Oh that the Lord would bestow upon me his counsels and his care! I am afraid of pride being in my motives both ways. Oh that God would hear and help me! The parable of the talents has been something to me. I am frequently told that my talents are buried here; but I do not know. Oh that I may not have to go upon this principle, that some plainer path might appear if I must go!
"Dec. 26-29. - Afflictions having returned, I think I might make too light
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of the former; this, though lighter on the body, yet seems heavier on the mind. I am sometimes pressed with guilt for my lightness under the other: sometimes ready to sink into a kind of despondency almost like that of Jonah, 'It is better for me to die than to live.'"1781, Jan. 1. - Alas! my affliction, instead of taking away sin, seems to be attended with new risings of evil. O wretched man that I am! Surely it does not seem consistent that a heart so full of stupidity and unholiness, and in so constant a manner too, can be the residence of the Spirit of God. Surely those great things said to be done in the hearts of the godly are not done in me! Yet I have found some outgoings of soul to God after keeping and quickening grace.
"15. - Much disheartened in seeing the coolness of some in providing for the future welfare of the church.
"26. - Much affected to-day for my dear father, who I fear will die. Oh his immortal soul! How can I bear to bury him unconverted? Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me! I have had many earnest outgoings of soul for him, and some little conversation with him. 'Have you any outgoings of soul, father, to the Lord?' - 'Yes, my dear, I have.' - 'Well, father, the Lord is rich in mercy to all that call upon him: this is great encouragement.' - 'Yes, my child, so it is; and I know, if I be saved, it must be by him alone. I have nothing to recommend me to his favour: but my hopes are very small.'
"27. - Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me! Give me some good hopes of the welfare of his soul; then I could almost be willing to part with him. This would be letting the cup pass from me. 'But oh the soul that never dies!' The woman of Canaan made her daughter's case her own, and cried, 'Lord, help me!' Surely I may do likewise by my father.
"28. - Lord's day. - Affected with nothing else to-day but the thoughts of my father's death. This I know not how to bear. - Preached somehow from Job xiv. 1, and Hebrews ii. 14.
"29. - O he is gone! - he is gone! - for ever gone!
'His course is finished now, his race is o'er;
The place which knew him knows him now no more;
The tree is fallen, and ever there must lie,
To endless ages of eternity.'"Feb. 3. - I think I have never yet entered into the true idea of the work of the ministry. If I had, surely I should be like Aaron, running between the dead and the living. I think I am by the ministry, as I was by my life as a Christian before I read Edwards on the Affections. I had never entered into the spirit of a great many important things. Oh for some such penetrating, edifying writer on this subject! Or, rather, oh that the Holy Spirit would open my eyes, and let me into the things that I have never yet seen!
"5. - A pulpit seems an awful place! - An opportunity for addressing a company of immortals on their eternal interests - Oh how important! We preach for eternity. We in a sense are set for the rising and falling of many in Israel. And our own rise or fall is equally therein involved.
"8. - Oh would the Lord the Spirit lead me into the nature and importance of the work of the ministry! Reading a wise and spiritual author might be of use; yet could I, by Divine assistance, but penetrate the work myself, it would sink deeper and be more durable.
"13. - I think when we are in company, and address ourselves to any one in
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particular, it too often happens that the applause of the company, rather than the edification of the person or ourselves, is the object. Hence witticisms, and such sayings as sting the party addressed, are introduced. Pride, how pernicious!"March 5. - To-night it seems as if it would break my heart to remove. The seal and fruits of my ministry are dear to me, yet how it can be otherwise I cannot see.
"26. - My soul is discouraged because of the way; I am full of confusion: see thou mine affliction. Oh that I knew what was my duty! Let me not err for want of knowledge, and pierce myself through with many sorrows. I think my soul is like the body of an aged man: even a grasshopper becomes a burden. I seem unable to do any thing more. I had an affecting time in prayer on these subjects. I thought what an immense fulness of light and happiness dwelt in God! how easily could he inform my mind and comfort my heart!
"29. - What a wonder am I to myself! Compared with what I deserve to be, how happy! compared with what I desire to be, how miserable!
"April 1. - It seems as if the church and I should break each other's hearts! To-night I have been but truly charged with having 'an irregular mind.' How heartily could I embrace death, if it pleased God to send it! How far are peace and happiness from me!
"2. - Affected in prayer. Oh for an unerring guide! Oh that I knew the Lord's will! Verily, if I know mine own heart, I would do it. I had rather, I think, much rather walk all my days in the most miserable condition, than offend the Lord by trying to get out of it.
"10. - The thoughts of my situation now return, and overpower me! To-night I was exceedingly affected in prayer, earnestly longing that I might know the will of God. I have entered to-night into a solemn vow, which I desire it may please God to accept at my worthless hands. With all the powers of my soul, with the utmost effusion of feelings, I have vowed to this effect before the Lord: - 'O Lord! if thou wilt give me so much light as plainly to see in this case what is my duty, then, if I do not obey the dictates of conscience, let my tongue for ever cleave to the roof of my mouth; let my ministry be at an end; let me be made an example of thy displeasure against falsehood!'
"The case of those who asked counsel of Jeremiah (chap. xlii.) seemed to excite in me a jealousy of my own heart; but, so far as I know any thing of myself, I am resolved to stay or go as it should please God, did I but know his will.
"18. - Earnest outgoings to God in prayer. Tomorrow seems a day of great importance. Then I must give my reasons to the church for what I have intimated concerning my removal. The Lord guide and bless them and me!
"19. - I went to meeting to-day with very little premeditation, thinking an upright heart would be prepared. I assigned two reasons for my removal the complaints some have made of non-edification, and my wasting my property every year. Neither of these objections being answered, the church despairs, - all is in confusion! Ah! what can I do? what can they do? My heart would say, Stay; would freely go and gather them together, and pour oil into their wounds. My judgment only forbids me. . . . No. . . . No! Surely I cannot go! My heart is overwhelmed - lead me to the rock that is higher than I! Have been pouring out my heart to the Lord since I came from the meeting; think I could rather choose death than departure. My heart is as if it would dissolve. It is like wax, it is melted in the midst of my bowels.
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"2l. -Vast are the trials tied to time,
And all my thoughts confusion still.My spirit is overwhelmed within me; my heart within me is desolate. Now my mind seems to lean as if I must stay, even though it terminate in my temporal ruin. O fluctuating soul!
"May 1. - Have been praying to the Lord that I may keep to that direction which has been so much to me ten or eleven years ago. 'In all thy ways acknowledge him,' &c. This passage has been several times like a present help in time of need. Oh that it may be such now!
"4. - All my powers of body and mind absorbed in my extreme affliction. I thought towards night that, as these limbs had been ingloriously employed in the service of sin, how reasonable, though pardoning mercy be extended, that they should be blasted, confined by a series of affliction, and, at last, ingloriously reduced to dust! Can think of little else now but that I must leave Soham; yet it seems an affair of so much importance, I dread it.
"6. - Confined by bodily affliction from public worship this Lord's day. To-night my heart melts with compassion towards the church. I think, after all, if I go from them, it is as if it must be in a coffin.
"14. - O my heart! it is as if it must break. Thought, this morning, 'There is a way that seemeth right to a man, but the end thereof is death.' This makes me jealous lest specious appearances should beguile me. My load seems heavier than I can bear! O Lord, for thine own sake, suffer me not to act contrary to thy will. Oh for an unerring guide!
"20. - To-night I stopped the church, and asked them if they could prove it wrong for me to leave them, and assured them if they could I would abide with them whatever was the consequence.
"22. - One thing I desire of the Lord, whatever be my portion here, if it be to wear out my years in pining sadness, let me so walk as to enjoy his approbation. Into thy hands I commit my spirit."
So much were Mr. Fuller's thoughts absorbed in the welfare of the church at Soham, that throughout this diary no mention appears to be made of that at Kettering, which being at this time destitute of a pastor, and acquainted with Mr. Fuller's difficulties, had repeatedly suggested to him their wishes for his removal thither. This, it appears, was at the instance of Mr. Hall, a man whose piety and wisdom eminently qualified him to advise, in cases of difficulty, especially where opposing claims seemed to present themselves; and who also judged his young friend to be possessed of talents suited to a more enlarged sphere of labour.
In May, 1781, Mr. Fuller attended the association with which both of these churches were connected, and which this year assembled at Kettering. Here he referred his case to the opinions of the following ministers, Messrs. Booth, Evans, Gill, Guy, Hall, Hopper, Ryland senior, Ryland junior, and Sutcliffe, who unanimously advised his removal.
This was not, however, esteemed by him a sufficient indication of his duty, "O my soul," he exclaims, "what shall I do? Oh for an unerring guide!"
"June 26. - Have been reading Mosheim, cent. xiii. and xiv., to-day. Really I am sick in reading so much about monks, mendicant friars, &c.: I could have wished the history had more answered to its title - a history of the church; but it seems little else than a history of locusts.
"28. - Some sacred delight in reading more of Mosheim on the coming forth of those champions of the Reformation - Luther, Melanethon, Zuinglius, Calvin,
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&c., into the field. I think I feel their generous fervour in the cause of God and truth. How were the arms of their hands made strong by the mighty God of Jacob!"29. - The conduct and condition of some wicked people make me bless God for conscious integrity. Christ's yoke is truly easy. Purity carries its own reward with it. Oh the guilt, the misery that results from a submission to the yoke of Satan! Well, it is by the grace of God I am what I am; nor is any sin so black or so detestable but that I am liable to fall into it. Lord, keep me!
"July 3. - I was occupied to-day with Mosheim, whose partial account of the English Baptists would lead me to indulge a better opinion of various sects who have been deemed heretics.
"12. - Have been trying to-day to examine my heart, by putting such questions as these to myself: Would it be most agreeable to my conscience, after all, to continue with my people? Is it likely in so doing I should please God, and contribute to the welfare of his cause on the whole? To these questions I could not see how I could in any degree answer in the affirmative. But God knows my heart. I have been trying to pray, and surely it is my sincere desire, if I am wrong, to be set right. I am now going to the church-meeting. The meeting-house has been a Bochim to-day, a place of weeping! I have told the church to expect my removal in a quarter of a year's time. O my soul, I seem unable to endure such attacks on my feelings.
"August 11. - Have been ravished, as it were, to-day, in reading the account of the council held by the apostles and elders, Acts xv. Oh the beauty and simplicity of primitive Christianity!
"27. - I had pleasure in conversing on Romans viii. 33. Methought, it indicated the fulness of the Redeemer's righteousness; partly from the character of the justified, and partly from that of the justifier - God, the all-scrutinizing, impartial Judge.
"September 15. - What a difference between the book which I keep, and that which God keeps! Oh what an awful, black diary could he produce against me in judgment!"
An attempt being made about this time to determine the question of Mr. Fuller's removal by a reference, both on his part and that of the church, to the arbitration of three ministers, he writes thus: -
"September 21. - Earnestly affected in prayer, that, if it would be most pleasing to God for me to stay, I might do so after all. I should not be sorry if the arbitrators should judge this to be my duty. My soul trembles for the ark of God. What will betide the interest of Christ here? Unto thee I lift up mine eyes, O thou that dwellest in the heavens!
"22. - O God, thou knowest that I am willing to be any thing. It is my unfeigned desire that not my will but thine be done. Let not my ease, but thine honour, be consulted. Yes; O thou searcher of hearts! I humbly, earnestly, and unfeignedly desire of thee, that, if my departure would issue in the failure of thine interest here, never let me depart! Let me rather go mourning all my days in the bitterness of my soul."
From this arbitration, however, nothing was elicited, and Mr. Fuller thus expresses himself:-
"October 6. - Very heavy in heart. Be not far off, O Lord, for trouble is near! Exceedingly melted in thinking on, 'O Ephraim, what shall I do unto thee?'"
The following is an extract from a letter written about this time to Mr. Wallis, a deacon of the church at Kettering: -
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"We then agreed that I and an officer of the church should take the letters from all parties on the subject, and lay them before Mr. Robinson of Cambridge, and that which he should judge duty in the case we would follow, unless it should appear to both parties that he was wrong. We waited on Mr. R. yesterday, and, after an investigation of the affair for three or four hours, he gave it as his opinion, 'That Mr. Fuller ought to continue pastor of the said church for one whole year from this day, and after that time if it should appear that he can live on his income; and that the people ought to abide by their proposal to raise Mr. Fuller's income to twenty-six pounds a-year, as they had proposed, clear of all deductions.'
"On the 3rd of October I received a note from Mr. Hall, who was in London, wherein he wishes me not to enter into an engagement to be governed by the arbitration; and suggests that, if my continuance at Soham should be thus determined, it would be a reflection either on the wisdom or integrity of the nine ministers whom I consulted at Kettering, or else on myself for having related a partial tale, tending to lead them into a deception. As to the former, I have only to say, however it may look, that I have certainly no inferior opinion of the wisdom or integrity of the nine ministers to that of the arbitrators. I impute it wholly to their hearing the matter but from one party; and as to the partiality of my tale, I refer you to what I said in my last to you.
"I dare not, indeed I dare not, go contrary to the above decision. I think it would be mocking God and the arbitrators to be previously resolved what way to take. Would it not be like Ahab's asking counsel of Micaiah? or the Jews of Jeremiah? (chap. xlii.) - I therefore must not comply with your invitation. Mr. Robinson referred me to what it is that approves a minister of God, in 2 Corinthians vi. 4-8, and such things have no small impression on my heart.
"I am at this time a compound of feelings. I feel, dear brethren, I painfully feel for you. I am distressed that a church whose troubles were many before should have them increased through me. I feel myself unhappy lest my worthy brethren and fathers in the ministry should think themselves slighted, of which there is nothing that I am less conscious; and should they on this account slight me, it will very much grieve me, but I cannot help it. I hope they will consider what must necessarily be my motives in this matter, and excuse me. I am not without feelings on my own account, but these are not so great as those for you. Blessed be God, I feel peace within, let things issue as they will. I enjoy a consciousness of having done every thing in this matter as in the sight of Christ; at least to the best of my knowledge. A passage in Mr. Hall's letter to me of April 28, 1780, has both yesterday and to-day been sweet to me. - 'How awfully mysterious are Divine providences! The Lord help us to approve and adore with cordial affections the dispensations of God. We shall one day see we could not have been so well in any other condition as in that in which the Lord has placed us, nor without the various afflictions we meet with by the way. I have lately thought that religion is not designed to please us now, but to profit us - to teach and dispose us to please God. And those who please him, he will please them hereafter.'
"I am not without some fears that, as the time of trial is limited to one year, you should some of you be hankering still in your minds after me, which if you should it will make me exceedingly unhappy. I do not mean to spend what I have, but if possible to live according to what I shall have coming in, and to bow my shoulder to the yoke with contentment. It is therefore likely I shall stay longer, perhaps all my life. I therefore humbly and most earnestly
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beseech you, by all that belongs to your own welfare and my future peace, to drop all thoughts whatever of my removal, and to look up and look out for some other person to be your pastor: the Great Head of the church direct your choice!"Great happiness is what I do not look for now; but it would serve to increase the little I have remaining to receive one more letter from the church at Kettering, or, if that is too much trouble, from Mr. Wallis, by the church's consent, expressing these two things - That you entertain no hard thoughts of me, as if I had in any respect used you ill; and that you give up all thoughts of my removal, and intend to look out elsewhere. Give my love to any of the ministers whose judgment I consulted, and tell them what I say. Accept the same to yourselves. That Jehovah-Jireh may see and provide for you is, my dear brethren, the prayer of
"Yours very affectionately,
A. F."
Thus the decision appeared to be thrown further off than before. The church at Kettering satisfied Mr. Fuller on the subject of his conduct, and endeavoured without effect to procure a suitable minister from the institution at Bristol. Their minds being still directed to him, Mr. Fuller, in July, 1782, thus replies to a letter of Mr. Wallis:
"You ask in yours, 'Will the Lord raise desires in his own people merely to disappoint them?' You think not, seeing that God hath said, The desires of the righteous shall be granted. Certainly if God doth excite desires, and then disappoint them, it is for some higher end than merely their disappointment. You will not think, dear sir, that I mean to discourage you, if I should say the above explanation of the text in Proverbs is inconsistent with truth. I once heard a sermon1 from Psalm cxlv. 19. The minister proposed first to explain his subject, and in so doing he delivered something like this: - 'God will not grant us every desire. That is our mercy; for, (l.) Some of them are sinful. David desired to be revenged on Nabal and his innocent family. Jonah desired Nineveh's ruin. (2.) Others would not be for our good. David desired the life of the child he had by Bathsheba; David also desired the life of Jonathan; neither of which would have been for his good. (3.) Nay, not every righteous desire. It is a righteous desire for a minister to desire the salvation of those that hear him. So Paul declared, I would to God that all that are here present were altogether such as I am, Acts xxvi. 29. So again, I could wish myself accursed from Christ, for my brethren's sake, my kinsmen according to the flesh, Romans ix. 1. David desired to build a house for God, and it was a righteous desire, for God took it well at his hands; yet he did not grant it. Kings and prophets desired to see the Lord Messiah, and yet did not see him. How then are we to understand it? Answer. The sum or substance of their desires shall be fulfilled. What is the main desire of a seaman? that he may arrive at the haven. So saints will be brought to their desired haven. What of a pilgrim? - See Hebrews xi. 16. So all the desires of a Christian are summed up in this, That he may eternally enjoy God and be like him. - See 2 Samuel xxiii. 2.' Doubtless there is great mystery in these things. However, I think it is certain, that when God raises a spiritual desire in a person, it is often, though not always, with an intention to bestow the object desired."
On the 20th of August, 1782, after a visit from Mr. Wallis, he thus addresses him: - "Since I saw you, though it is but a little time, yet I have had great
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1 Since ascertained to have been his own.
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exercises. The day I parted with you, calling in the evening on one of my friends, my feelings were tried by what you know is the most effectual battery on my heart of any thing; I mean bitter weeping. The Lord's day following, the meeting-house, to say all in one word, was a Bochim! The most unfeigned sorrow I believe prevailed in almost every heart. For my own part, I found it exceedingly difficult to go on in preaching, and keep from weeping quite out. I hastened as soon as worship was over to get alone, and there give full vent to all my sorrow. We had a private evening meeting, which was more trying to me than the day. I saw a spirit in the church in general, which had I seen half a year ago, I could never have left them, come what would, whatever I do now! I went home to my house with a heart full of distress, and my strength nearly exhausted with the work and weeping of the day."The next day, August 12, I devoted to fasting and prayer: found special outgoings of heart, and encouragement to pray from many scriptures. I scarcely remember such a day for tenderness and importunity in prayer in my life. Two days after, I felt my spirits all the morning exceedingly depressed; got alone, and found a heart to pray, with, I think, greater importunity than I had done before. Oh it seemed as if I must have my petitions granted, or I could not live. This last Lord's day was a tender day, but not like the Lord's day preceding.
"Truly, sir, nothing but the thoughts of an open door for greater usefulness in Christ's cause, (surely this is not an illusion!) and my having been so engaged to pray for the coming of Christ's kingdom, could have kept me from dropping all opposition, and yielding to the church's desire. All their former treatment towards me I cannot remember. I am constrained not only to forgive it, but to forget it. And as to profit or reputation, things at which I have been charged with aiming, these seemed no more to me than the mire in the streets. I cannot say what I shall do. I desire to be governed by judgment, and mean to be so; but these things influence my judgment, and that which appeared clear before has appeared doubtful since. Some of my friends also, who thought my way clear before, think it doubtful now. Oh! it pains me to the heart to put you and my dear friends to so much pain. I have often of late lamented before the Lord my unhappy situation, that it should be my lot to be reduced to the painful necessity, to say the least, of injuring, at one place or other, that cause which of all things in the world I most dearly love! My dear friend, I must beg of you not to have your expectations raised too much. Indeed, I am ashamed to mention their being raised at all by the thoughts of my coming; only I know how you are. Truly I am not without a dread of being made a curse to you if I come. I feel such barrenness and carnal-mindedness habitually prevail as often has made me think my labours would be blasted, be where I might. I know not but such is your partial opinion of me, that you will be apt to impute this to a peculiar sensibility of the plague of my own heart; but verily this is not the case. My soul is indeed, like the lands of Jericho, barren; and almost all my services, like its waters, naught; and unless something extraordinary be done to the spring-head of all, to heal the waters, like what was done by the prophet Elisha, my barrenness will be my plague and the plague of those about me.
"I must further beg of you not to move it to the church to give me any further call. If I leave Soham I shall come, not doubting their willingness to receive me; and, if not, the more there is done by the church, as a church, towards it, the greater will be their disappointment. For my own part, the language
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of my heart is, 'Here am I, let him do with me as seemeth good to him.' I do not expect nor wait for extraordinary directions. All I look for is to have my way plain, my judgment clear, and my conscience satisfied. Pray to the Lord, my dear sir, earnestly, yet submissively. I thought it right to give you an honest account of things as above; and I think it but right as honestly to say, on the other hand, that, all things considered, notwithstanding the check I have lately met with, the evidence for removing rather preponderates than that for continuing. Meanwhile, till we see the issue of things, may we each become dead to all created good, any further than as it may subserve the glory of God. So desires"Your affectionate but distressed friend,
A. F."
To a further invitation Mr. F. gave the following answer: -
TO THE CHURCH OF CHRIST AT KETTERING. "DEAR BRETHREN, Soham, Sept. 22, 1782.
"Yours I received, and quite approve of your devoting a day to fast and pray to the Lord on such a solemn occasion. I thank you for your remembrance of me, and, the church at Soham, on that day, as well as for your kind and repeated invitation; to which I can only say, that, if I should leave Soham at the time you expect, I have no other thoughts than to comply. God only knows how it will be with me when the time comes. True it is, I give the church here no reason to expect any thing but my removal; but such a spirit of tenderness now takes place among them that it shakes my confidence, and threatens to destroy my happiness if I remove. It is true I do habitually think of removing, but do not you expect it too much. Hold Christ and your religion with a close hand, but me and every other creature with a loose one! God can bless you without me, and blast you with me! If I come, oh that the Spirit of God may come with me! Surely it is my habitual prayer - 'If thy presence go not with me, carry me not up hence.' With great respect and esteem, I remain, dear brethren,
"Yours in the gospel,
A. F."
Mr. Fuller removed to Kettering in October, 1782, and in the following October was ordained pastor of the church. He was succeeded at Soham by his friend Mr. West, one of the deacons, who subsequently became pastor of a church in Dublin.
An extract from a letter written by the church at Soham to that of Kettering, respecting his dismission, will show their estimation of him:
"DEAR BRETHREN,
"Inasmuch as you have requested that our brother and former pastor, Mr. Andrew Fuller, should be dismissed to you, we accordingly comply there-with, though it pains our hearts, and renews our former grief. On the thoughts of such a request we are ready to give ear to the voice that cried in Ezekiel's hearing, O wheel! His ways are in the great deep, and his footsteps past finding out."Oh that Peter's wish may be accomplished in us, 'That the trial of our faith, being much more precious than that of gold which perisheth, might be found to praise and glory at the appearing of the Lord Jesus Christ.'
"With regard to Mr. Fuller's conduct as a Christian, while with us, we have nothing to lay to his charge. It was in many respects very amiable. Relative to his ministerial character, his faithfulness, wisdom, tenderness, and freeness with his friends, &c., were the things which captivated our hearts, and united
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our affections to him, which make our parting the more trying. But we wish that our loss may be your gain. We therefore consent," &c. &c.While the above demonstrates the feelings of the church towards their late pastor, a letter to a friend at Soham, written by him a few weeks after his ordination at Kettering, will testify the deep interest he still felt in their concerns:
"DEAR BROTHER,
"How deep are the designs of Providence! 'Too deep to sound with mortal lines.' Since I have been here, I have had various exercises of mind; but the state of the church at Soham has lain nearest of any thing! Such has been the union of affection between them and me, that I suppose no events in time, and I hope none in eternity, will ever dissolve it. This, I know, some would think to be scarcely reconcilable with my conduct in leaving them; but, however it may appear, so it is. I can truly say, 'Who among them is afflicted, and I burn not?' My earnest prayers have been in their calamity. I have not yet seen any reason to repent of what I have done. The Lord, I think, has been with me hitherto, in my work, and in my private retirements. But, alas, poor people, they are destitute! Oh! this, after all, wounds me. Oh may He, whose name is Jehovah-jireh, see and provide for them! I trust in God they will be provided for. I hear that they keep together, and are in a good spirit. The Lord, who loves his cause better than we can, will not suffer, I think, people of such a spirit to fall to the ground. I have many other things to say to you; but I trust shortly to see you. Meanwhile, farewell. The Lord be with you!A. F."
The following summary of the preceding circumstances, addressed by Mr. Fuller to the congregation on the occasion of his ordination at Kettering, will be read with interest:-
"For me to enter minutely into this affair might, perhaps, be attended with too great a revival of feelings for me, at this time and place, to sustain; and as the affair is so well known by many here present, I must beg to be indulged in being short.
"It seems a strange thing that is come upon me! I seem still, at times, as if I could scarcely believe it to be true! I was always averse to removals, and had inured myself to look upon them with a jealous eye. I do not therefore wonder that others have done the same by mine. I suppose there was a time when, if any one had suggested the idea of my removal, it would have seemed to me a strange, unlikely thing. But, however, it was so . . . . it is come to pass!
"I imagine it will not be expected that I should enter upon a vindication of my conduct in that affair. I only say this: several things concurred to make me, first, hesitate whether it was my duty to abide where I was; and, afterwards, to think it was not. Desirous, however, of doing nothing rashly, I was determined to wait a considerable time before I did any thing. My chief desire, I think, was to preserve a conscience void of offence, towards God and towards man. I had, all along, much jealousy of my own heart, and many fears. I frequently laid my case before God, in prayer, with much more importunity than I usually feel. I sometimes devoted days on purpose for fasting and prayer, on the occasion. On some of those days, partly for the church at Soham, and partly for myself, I had, I think, the most earnest outgoings of heart to the Lord that ever I felt in my life. I consulted many friends, ministers upon the spot (who knew the case) and ministers at a distance. I think to nine of them, some
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of whom are here present, I told the case as impartially as I was able, and asked their advice. Still my heart felt reluctant at the thoughts of a removal. I submitted the case to three or four different persons, who heard the particulars on both sides. - The issue was, I staid another year. At that time, it was my purpose to remain for life. I told the church at Kettering, in a letter, to that effect. But I soon found that reproach - reproach unlamented - had broken my heart! The bond of my affection was dissolved. I could not feel a union of spirit; without which I could not continue. In proportion as I despaired of this, I felt my heart incline towards the church at Kettering. At length, impelled by several motives, (of some of which, especially, I think I shall not be ashamed at the day of judgment,) I removed! - a painful event to me. I have, however, one consolation remaining - that, as far as I know, I acted herein to the best of my judgment and conscience. Yet, after all, I have had many relentings, and many reflections upon some parts of my conduct; as well as fears lest the Lord should blast me in the future part of my life: for though I have never, to this day, thought the thing itself to be wrong; yet I have, upon review, seen a great deal of vanity mixing itself in my motives, and a great deal of folly in some parts of my conduct, for all which I desire to be ashamed."Since my removal hither, I have found much outgoing of heart for the welfare of Christ kingdom, particularly in this part of Zion. When repeatedly requested to take this office upon me, I have not been without my fears; and, might I have indulged that sort of feeling, I suppose I should not have accepted their invitation for the present. But I wish to attend to the voice of duty. Duty seemed to call for my compliance. I therefore applied for, and received, a dismission from the church at Soham to the church at Kettering; and have resigned myself up, to serve them in the Lord. I wish it may be for the glory of Christ and their good; though, I must own, the pleasure of this day is marred to me, because a union with the one church cannot be effected but by a disunion with the other."
============ [From Joseph Belcher, editor, The Complete Works of Andrew Fuller, Volume I, 1845, reprint, 1988, pp. 18-34. Document provided by David Oldfield, Post Falls, ID. Formatted by Jim Duvall.]
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